The Two Most Important Questions About Your Relationship
Is your relationship a good one? Let’s take the relationship and find out! Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does this relationship enhance my life?
2. Does this relationship make me feel safe?
Let’s elaborate. Finding the answer to question 1 can be tricky, especially if you are expecting certain enhancements that haven’t happened yet or if the enhancements have occurred, but their outcome is not exactly what you thought you wanted. Webster’s Dictionary defines “enhance” as “to increase or improve in value, desirability, or attractiveness.” So take a step back and take an honest look at your relationship. Does your relationship/partner make you feel more valuable, desired and attractive?
Consider these others statements when determining if your relationship enhances your life. Are they true for your partner?
1. They make be feel beautiful, even when I struggle with my self-confidence.
2. They willingly and happily “hold down the fort” while I pursue my dreams/interests.
3. They treat our/my kids well.
4. They manage our finances well.
5. They support me financially and don’t make me feel guilty about it.
These are just a few examples of relationship enhancements. Perhaps you you see more or different ones when you examine your relationship. Perhaps there are other enhancements you’d like to include in your relationship.
As for question 2, does your relationship make you safe? I want to address a very important issue. I hope it goes without saying that your partner never abuses you, physically, mentally or emotionally. If they do, seek help now! Someone who puts you in danger does not deserve your loyalty and affection and you can’t ever change them. That warning aside, feeling safe with your partner can be as simple as not feeling the need to check their phone records or email account.
Here are some examples of statements a person could make about a partner who makes them feel safe:
1. I don’t need to know where they are every second of the day.
2. I can say anything to them and even if they disagree with me, they try to understand my point of view and don’t judge me.
3. When I am wrong, they don’t take pleasure in rubbing it in my face.
4. We are a team. We are in this together. They have my back and I have theirs, no matter what.
5. When I put my head on their shoulder, I feel comforted and safe.
Feeling safe is something we should be able to feel every day—no exceptions. Does your partner feel safe? Do you trust them? There is no in-between. You either trust them or you don’t.
This isn’t just about examining your partner and your relationship with them. You should also be taking a long, hard look at yourself. If you find that your partner isn’t enhancing your life or making you feel safe, there is a chance that you aren’t enhancing their life or making them feel safe either. Don’t be so quick to point a finger at them when you could use use some work too!
As my dad, who has been married to my mother for 48 years and still pinches my mom’s butt, says “Kiddo, relationships are 100%/100%. They aren’t 50/50. You both have to give all of yourselves or it’s never going to work.” You’re in this together, so act like it!
So before you take the reins and decide your partner isn’t making the grade, try enhancing their lives and making them feel safe. If they begin to thrive under your new-found love and attention, you may see an amazing energy shift! They may begin to give you what you’re giving them! And that’s how you solve a problem, my friend! You can live “happily ever after.” But if your partner is still sorely lacking in their enhancing/safety skills, it may be time to seek a new partner.
No matter where you are in a relationship (the first week or 15 years in), answering these questions about your partner and even yourself can help to enhance your life and help you feel safe.