Enlightening Answers: Anger Issues and a Disappearing Mate

And now, questions from the “lovelorn” files, emailed to me on the Karma Air website:

Q: I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years because of his anger issues – he’d often belittle me and my children from a prior relationship. We fell in love after a short courtship before we’d really found a lot out about each other. Well, the last two years were horrible. It’s hard to let go – it’s like I’m suffering from “battered women syndrome” or something. I’m a loving person who is too giving and nice. How do I just say no when all I want to do is help?

Signed: Too Nice

A: Dear Too Nice,

Here’s the deal with breakups: You can’t be in contact – you need a BREAK! For a while! I suggest, when you breakup with a man that is cruel or abusive, that the break in contact be FOREVER! It’s much too hard, painful, and dangerous to be in touch – you could perhaps be lured back to this angry man’s arms because you’ll forget how horrible things were because he’ll only show his good side (which, of course he has or you wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place). What you didn’t find out in your whirlwind courtship until it was too late – is that this man is deeply insecure. Here’s the brutal truth – you are, too, or you wouldn’t have spent two horrible years with him! You’d have been out of there after two horrible days, maybe weeks, but NOT years… Work on your own self-esteem by doing things you love, challenging yourself, keeping all commitments, cleaning up all bad habits, and surrounding yourself ONLY with people who think you rock. You can’t “help” or fix this man and it’s NOT your job. Your job is to love yourself first and foremost and take care of those kids of yours. When we allow the bad behavior of others, and try to “enlighten” them with our loving ways, they don’t respect us and ultimately hate us for it. You did the right thing. Next time know someone for a year before you make any big plans, and remember to always LOVE YOURSELF more than any man – he’ll love you more for it.

Good luck,


Q: I’ve been with a woman for four years. We’ve had numerous ups and downs. We recently decided to move into an apartment. Now that the time is getting closer, there always seems to be something more important going on for her than to spend time with me. She’ll disappear for hours at night and “conveniently” turn her cell off or just leave it in her car, and, sorry, the sex life has taken a nosedive. She doesn’t see any connection, but I feel one. Am I wrong?

Signed: Lonely With a Lease

A: Dear Lonely,

Oh boy – please read the answer to the question above – you’re being way too nice, too!

Your relationship has problems – big ones! And, my concerns with your girlfriend are many:

1. She’s avoiding you.

2. She’s dismissing your feelings.

3. She’s secretive.

4. She’s making you question your own judgment.

I gotta tell you, she doesn’t sound mature enough to be “serious relationship material,” and despite that, she may be in another relationship! Not having sex with you, being secretive and unreachable for hours at a time at night, making no time for you – these are all the signs of infidelity, I’m afraid. Cancel your moving plans immediately – even if you’ve already given up your place and will lose money on a deposit. I don’t care if you have to put your stuff in storage and “couch surf” with friends for a while. Making plans to take this relationship to “the next level” is bringing forward something big with her that you need to know. Calling things off will force her to tell you what’s up, or make the relationship fade out, which it may be doing anyway…

All the Best,


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