I lost my significant other two months ago and just reconnected with a male friend. He has a reputation as a player – women just throw themselves at him. He hit on me years ago but I’d never take him up on his offers. I wanted to see if I was still attracted to him now but he lives in Arizona and I live in Washington. I recently visited him and now I have feelings for him. He is thirty-seven and I am fifty-four. He wants me to move in… I need to know what I should look out for or how long should I wait to see if this is a good thing and not jump in too soon.
Signed: Mourning and Mingling
Dear Mourning,
I’m so sorry for your loss. As for your old friend, please tread lightly. There’s a famous saying, “It’s easier to look backward than forward.” You may be having the urge to jump into something with him because it’s easier than facing the unknown of being alone and waiting for something new. Neither of you have given this much time or thought, so I like that you’re asking for help. I’d encourage you to be certain that this relationship is real before you make plans of any kind. See if he follows through on his promises – if he calls regularly, if he makes an effort to be there for you, if he’s consistent, and if he’s really given up his “player” ways. The fact that he wants you to move in with him sounds like it would require you make the most sacrifices – leaving your home, friends, job and community before you have a real commitment, which concerns me. Would this be you “throwing yourself at him” as well? Just because you both have feelings doesn’t mean it would be right for you. Proceed slowly and be open to meeting men where you live as well. This was a pleasant surprise – perhaps fate has more in store.
Good luck!
Carol
I’m still single after being divorced six years. Dating is challenging because of my teenagers and our lifestyle – not to mention that I still have academic goals. I’m taking a hard look and realizing that it would require someone very understanding of my life situation. How can I approach this while dating if I find someone? Seems all my love stories end the same… they fizzle out due to lack of time and intimacy.
Signed: Busy and By Myself
Dear Busy,
Many, many singles feel overwhelmed at how much time and energy it takes to find someone. Studies show, however, that even those of us with extremely demanding schedules can end up happily ever after – it all comes down to how you prioritize and manage your time and life. I’m a big believer that the “right” person can handle whatever our circumstances, and may actually love the things that we think make us so darn difficult. (In other words, your kids and academic goals will be a “plus” to the person right for you!) So, don’t decide that your situation is so impossible. Make a regular effort to put yourself in social situations in which you’ll meet the kind of people you’d like, and keep taking life one day at a time. Life is long and in a few years those kids of yours will fly the coop, those academic degrees will be framed on the wall, and you’ll have all your time and energy for yourself and that “someone special.” So go for it!
Good luck!
Carol
