Just Say It!
If you’ve ever complained about your lover’s inadequacies in bed, I’ve got some good news and some bad. The good news is that there are ways to improve on this. The bad news is that in some ways it may be somewhat your own fault. There are three kinds of people in this situation. The first is a lover who believes in a perfect soulmate that should be able to satisfy their needs without direction or guidance. The second is the lover who has grown up reluctant to discuss sex, and therefore has either never thought about their own needs, or is too embarrassed to. The third is a lover who does not understand how to guide their lover without creating hard feelings or shame.
If any of these situations sound familiar, this is your wake up call to open your mouth and start enjoying sex.
1. Know the Signals
One popular complaint among couples is not enough sex. If you’d put them in separate rooms and ask how they initiate it, each would have their own “signals,” whether it’s going upstairs to take a bath or reading in bed. The most interesting part is many couples do not understand what these signals mean. They have never taken the time to discuss how each other prefers to light the fire when they’re in the mood. It could be words, actions, or a simple come hither look, but the important thing is the two of you are on the same page once the sparks start to fly.
2. Gentle Rejection Notice
A key part of crossed signals is the dreaded rejection notice. Knowing how to tell your partner you’re in the mood is almost as important as how to tell them you’re not. A good rule of thumb is to keep the experience positive, so that it does not become a source of hard feelings. One way to do this, is not just turning your lover down flat, but suggesting a new time and place.
3. Say It!
Plenty of relationship experts tell us it’s okay to direct your partner with vocal instructions, but there is one important ground rule. No lover has ever welcomed the phrase “I hate it when you do (that).” They will, however, be very open to the request, “I’d love it if you’d do (this).” Keep all requests on a positive note to avoid hurt feelings.
4. Ask to Fulfill a Fantasy
Many experts also suggest turning your sexual requests into a fantasy fulfillment wish. This is a great way to open up the door to instruction, without making your lover feel like an amateur. In other words, your partner may be more open to your suggestions, if they know they’re helping you fulfill a fantasy. As long as the experience is positive, they will remember your suggestions and try them again.
5. Show and Not Tell
If you have a hard time describing to your partner what you like, you might find it easier to take their hand and guide them. With a little finesse, this can be quite romantic and fun.
6. Use Positive Reinforcement
One of the most effective methods of guiding a partner to being a better lover, is to incorporate the subtle technique of positive reinforcement. Instead of telling your partner bluntly what you do and don’t like, guide them using the pleasure tones of your voice. Think of it as a game of hot and cold. The closer they get to the correct buttons, the more emphatic you react; the farther away, the more static. Most all lovers want to please each other, so they look for these types of positive reactions to confirm they’re doing it right. Remember, the earlier you start, the quicker they’ll learn.
7. Learn Together
Another way to improve sexual technique, is to approach the situation as if you’re learning new things together. Instead of putting the burden on one person to improve, you can use a book series, magazine article, or video guide to make the entire project become a team effort. This puts the couple on the same level, and avoids pointing any fingers at the one who’s not getting the job done.