4 Things That End a Relationship Before It Even Starts

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4 Surprising Traits That Are On His Checklist

1. Fishing for Compliments

On the face of it this sounds like a fairly innocent crime. So can it really end a relationship?

More than you would believe.

First of all, let me explain what I mean by fishing for a compliment. It might be a statement, like saying to your partner “Oh, it’s not fair. Everyone in this place is so skinny and good-looking” in a way that suggests you don’t find yourself attractive. Often when women in relationships make these statements, they’re said with the hope that their man will reassure them and say “But you’re beautiful/skinny/attractive too!”

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This kind of reassurance can become extremely tedious for a man.

Fishing for compliments is a symptom of neediness, which is one of the biggest sexual turn offs for men. Needy behavior involves things like asking your partner to reassure you that you’re not fat, or worrying that you’re not as good looking as everyone else in the room, or that you’re not clever enough, the list goes on.

It’s the complete opposite of sexual confidence, and what’s more, it’s emotionally draining to be with someone who needs a constant self-esteem boost.

2. Jealousy

Whilst harmless playful jealousy can be fun, as soon as it strays into interrogations about where he was every moment of last night, who he was talking to, who he’s texting, or asking him whether he fancies his attractive co-worker, you know you’re in danger territory.

Jealousy is dangerous because it makes a man resentful towards his partner. He’ll feel more inclined to hide things because he feels like he’s being tracked. He will also start to resent being in a relationship, because he’ll associate it with being trapped instead of it being something he’s proud to have. Feeling trapped is perhaps the number one reason men have an instinctive fear of being in a relationship.

3. Unwillingness to Compromise

It’s become a cliché to say it, but a relationship is doomed from the beginning without compromise.

I need to qualify this though, because often people associate the word ‘compromise’ with giving up on the things that are important to you. We have been taught in recent years that it pays to be uncompromising in our lives, because this allows us to stay true to what we believe in, and ultimately to achieve success.

But it only pays to be uncompromising with a few very core values. When we talk about being compromising in a relationship, all we mean is that you allow yourself to be (a) open to criticism, (b) willing to change if necessary.

As soon as you shun criticism, it’s like you are putting your hands over your ears and blocking out everyone else’s voice but your own. People who will never compromise are stubborn.

Think about it. In order to maintain our relationships with our parents we sometimes have to compromise, and the same is true of our best friends. If we never compromised, it would just be two people shouting at each other, refusing to bend unless they get their own way.

Compromise is essential if a relationship is going to survive, and it begins with empathy. We need to understand where our partner is coming from, and make our needs clear to them.

4. Hoping That He’ll Change

Men don’t magically change once they are in a relationship. As Hanna Arendt said:

“Please don’t fool yourself: nobody was ever cured of anything, trait or habit, by a woman, though this is precisely what all girls think they can do.”

If you’re hoping that he’ll become less of a party animal, or more serious about his career, or stop flirting with other women, let me save you the time and heartbreak. He won’t change.

We’ve all made the mistake of falling in love with someone’s potential, instead of falling in love with who they are. Make sure you know the difference.

If your relationship is spent trying to change someone’s habits, it will end with either your frustration or their resentment. Bottom line: It’s not worth the effort.

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16 thoughts on “4 Things That End a Relationship Before It Even Starts

  1. edushke

    What if the guy is always fishing for compliments and constantly talks about other women that are showing him interest or may have hit on him at a point in time?

  2. Nicole

    I know what i want and thats to be loved at my worst not just at my best! Men are hard work too you know, its not just women who can be needy and insecure, men just have different ways of showing it. My advice?….. start as you mean to go on, follow your instinct and don’t compromise on the fundimentals of what is important to you when in a relationship.

  3. M

    Well I can understand that confidence is a turn on as it is for woman as well, but after being with someone for quite some time, to the point that you love them and are in love with them, you would think that a compliment here and there would be nice. It is only natural to want to hear those things from one another to make each other feel good, desired ect… but to never hear it, with hardly any communication on the things that really matter as a relationship progresses, makes me wonder… is this a dead end, a dud, not real? Communication is so important, and there can’t only be one initiator all the time, that in turn is draining to me. Am I waisting my time??

  4. babyface

    i just feel that why was the truth there? lying can get you far enough. then again, i have not dated in 4 months, but i have had alot of serious relationships.open about the past is more important so to say then right now. the past made you who are today, and right now is basically what a guy is after,and sex of course.

  5. Lian

    Craig, a few points in the beggining are good, however you keep repeating yourself againand again, it is third or fourth time I ot across your story, just time waisting, thanks!

  6. Carolyn

    Thanks Matt…in order for us to receive what you’re sharing we need to have an open mind to be able to listen and understand. I believe it’s the same formula to achieving a healthy relationship. Being an active listener helped you understand men/women and what we both can do to bring the law of positive attraction energy towards us. I appreciate your great desire to want to share what your perceptions and insight are about how to connet with the one we want to spend our lives with. On a psychological level you saw and began to understand human behaviors [patterns] which is not often easy to do in the beginning. On a deeper level I see that your techniques to “get the guy” will help us understand ourselves inwardly and ultimately help us change our own negative patterns to be our best selves in the long run….BRILLANT!

  7. Amber

    I must agree with Gwen Brush!!! Why is it always about what a woman should or shouldn’t do. I recently married, 1-15-11, an extremely great guy for me and all I had to do was NOTHING! I’ve tried a lot of little personality boosts; smile pretty and don’t be needy, give him space, speak your feelings, don’t scare him with your emotions…blah blah blah. When I gave up that stuff after 7 long years I met my husband. Bottom line..love yourself enough to be yourself when you’re single and you’ll meet Mr. Right a lot sooner. And when you do, be yourself. That’s who he fell for.

  8. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose Ext.9500

    Craig posted a very good point.

    DON’T hide your other suitors, ladies, keep them out in the open, above board and honest…..

  9. keshav c

    good thinkable information ! it seems, each thing should be taken into account with care for maintaining unbreakable relationships.

  10. angela

    The real thing that kills a relationship before it starts is lying. In the first stages of a relationship it’s so inportant to just be yourself. If you are only you and not trying to please the other person by changing to be with him/her you wont get disappointed later when you both find out you don’t like the real….

  11. avon

    Is it possible to get into someone that u haven’t met an only conversated with for a couple of weaks as well as send pictures back and forth, will the guy your talkin to take you serious if either one of you been around each other face to face can you connect with someone like that.

  12. Debra lewis

    What about guys with poor communication skills…. or is it that they just quit after they got your piece of ass?

  13. adorable

    My guy will not always call but each time he keeps telling me he is very sorry for behaving like that but he will always repeat the same thing again and again. I have tried severally to talk to him about it but he ended up saying that i complain alot. So men don’t change and will never change. What they are is what they. As a woman i decided that if i cannot adjust to that i will then quit and safe my breath.

  14. Gwen Brush

    Why is it always about what women should or should not do? Men do the same things. People have to be accountable in a relationship-that is the deal breaker, if someone is being secretive, this prompts the other to be suspicious and ask questions. The other person should not be suffocated but I’ve been on the side where someone turns the computer off everytime I walked in the room. We are not together anymore and it was a horrible, abusive, and hurtful behavior on his part.

  15. Craig

    These are ok but juggling other guys (& being economical with the truth about it) has to be my deal breaker. Smart men know women keep a range of men with potential each at different stages – just friends, potential as a lover, potential as a father/provider, etc & to many women it’s a race to see who’s left standing.

    But if a man gets a whiff that he’s being misled about the others in the race…it’s Game Over. A real deal breaker.

    The irony is that if we knew the fulltruth we’d try harder to win the hand of the maiden (our competitive streak). It’s hiding the others we can’t forgive. So just don’t hide the other competitors, ladies


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