I’m in love with a married man, and he’s my ex-husband! Our marriage broke up because of my infidelity brought on by his physical abuse. We have forgiven each other, and he seems like a new man.
We were engaged to be re-married, when he met his current wife. She got pregnant, and he married her instead. He was unhappy in the new marriage, and didn’t want to leave his daughter. Now she is 14, and he says she is old enough to understand.
I want to leave, but don’t want to be too hasty. I also don’t want to wait around forever. How long should I wait? He says a lot of things, but I don’t know what to believe.
Liam ext. 9290’s Response:
Greetings, Mary. Thank you for sharing your situation with us. It’s one which many women can relate to, I’m certain. It’s a problematic affair, rife with complication, shattered hope, strained emotion, and desperate anticipation.
I sense that you’re alone. You see this fellow as the aid and cure for all the internal strife and desolation that you feel in life. You’re tormented by insecurity and grief. Like many, you seek to remedy the ailments of your soul with material measures. You believe that the right love will bring you relief from the isolation.
Mary, it’s time to take off the blinders, and see the half-life in which you’re trapped. Your husband was abusive when you were married. You have very limited self esteem. All you ever knew of male energy was control and dominance. You sought out one who was dominate and controlling to give you identity. Somewhere along the way, someone taught you that women are objects for men to use. If you aren’t used by men, then you have no value as a woman.
I’m sorry to speak in such strong terms, but you need to take some strong medicine in a very harsh dose. You played a very dangerous and a foolish game with your ex-husband, sleeping with another man in retaliation for his abuse rather than fleeing the abuser. Now he is playing you. His game might have changed, but his underlying sadism and need for control hasn’t altered one bit. Men are territorial by nature. Once a man has been to bed with a woman, he sees her as conquered territory who is available for him to conquer again if the need for diversity in mating arises.
Unfortunately, the ex generally misunderstands the motive here. She decides the man must still have feelings for her, or that he wants her back in his life. He’s addicted to the sense of power he gets in controlling women. He enjoys the influence he has over you and his current partner. It makes him feel potent and virile to have two women who want him all the time.
He comes around more often when you pull back, because he thinks his conquest might be moving away. He comes around to imprint you sexually again. He hangs about to be certain his territory is thoroughly marked, and then leaves. You’re allowing this, believing he does it because he loves you, and wants to be with you.
You’re in desperate need of counseling. For the abuse you suffered, and for what it has done to your already butchered self-esteem. I want you to find a peer group for women in crisis, because this man has a very strong hold on you emotionally. His utilization of sexual imprinting has you floundering in a state of romantic addiction. It’s not love, Mary, and it never was. You’ll never know real love until you find out who you are as a person.
I’d recommend that you not only stop seeing your ex, but that you put a halt to dating for a long time. You need to find your own creative essence – the spark of your innate womanhood. Take up anything – writing, painting, acting, or dance. Whatever connects you to the Goddess within you. You lost that early on, but it never goes away. Through all the pain, fear, and trauma there is a vital and spirited woman of the wilds waiting to leap forth. She is one woman your ex could never handle. Give her a chance to find her freedom and voice, one step at a time.
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