And This is too Much Sex for Some!
Shanea from Farner, Tennessee asks:
I’ve known my husband for almost 17 years. He’s great until he gets around his mom or niece; then he’s completely absorbed in them and barely pays attention to me. Also, he’s wanted sex practically every day since we got together. When we first started to live together (big taboo in a small, southern town like ours) I was into the sex. Then one day he sweet talked me into having sex and I didn’t say no, but afterwards I felt gross, like he’d raped me. He came into the bathroom while I was adjusting the water and said, “What are you doing washing the nastiness off of you?” Now we’ve been married almost five years. What do I do about him wanting sex (and not to mention a kid) so often? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
You mean to tell me that your husband, a man you’ve been with seventeen years, still desires you day and night… and you’re complaining? It seems to me the real problem in all this is your own messed up sexual self-perceptions coupled with a very evident lack of desire for your husband. You make very interesting comments about your early relationship with this man… in particular that the two of you living together was somehow taboo.
The feeling I get is that you had more of a problem with this than anybody else did. You enjoyed the naughtiness of it but were terrified of what you thought everyone else thought about you. In looking at your energy I find you foster a very strong Virgin archetype, which sets itself up in full opposition to your sexual nature; an inner good girl just waiting to ruin your marriage. It is she who is always so afraid of what people might be saying and she who is terrified of being seen or thought of as a “slut.” You are desperate to be treated with what you see as proper social respect and any attempt your husband makes to sexualize you turns you right off. The experience you relate in your question illustrates my point. Your husband seduced you into having sex and for some reason this leaves you feeling violated. He cast you in a role where your primary function was pleasure over affection and you didn’t like it. His comment regarding “washing off the nastiness” also tells me this man knows more about your inhibitions and hang ups than you do.
So the question is, do you really want him? Because right now, you’re on sure course to drive him into the arms of another woman; one who will not mind being nasty, dirty and slutty; one who will love being wanted and seduced every day. He’s sticking around right now because he does love you, but you’re being intolerable. If you really don’t like sleeping with him, let him go find someone who does. The other option is to get yourself some help. Take a hard, serious look at those neediness issues and social perception stumbling blocks with an actual sex counseling expert, not some pastor or preacher who will only reinforce your unhealthy patterns. Listen, I’m not saying a woman has any kind of obligation to sleep with her man whenever he asks, but your attitude is making your man feel completely unwanted. If divorce is your goal, then you’re well on your way… if not, tread carefully ‘cause that’s where this is headed.
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