Sex Q&A: When You Sabotage Your Own Love Life

Learning to Get Out of Your Own Way

Karen from Regina, Canada asks:

I find that I sabotage sexual relationships due to past abuse. In my early relationships I was promiscuous, and to get out of a relationship I sought out someone to rescue me, and always felt dirty afterwards. I’ve taken three years to heal myself and to learn and understand who I am, and I’m in no rush to move into the sexual side until relationships of trust are built. I’m happy-go-lucky in the everyday, and yet friends all tell me I need someone to let go with. Am I harming myself with the lack of desire to have that physical contact, as I do have issues with the whole “wrong men” sterotype, or am I just simply ready to wait for the right one?

Liam’s  Response:

Greetings, Karen. Though introspection is a fine attribute, I feel you have a tendency to over complicate your sexuality. Worse yet, that complication is tinged with a rather noxious moralism. For too long it has been postulated that if a woman enjoyed sex with different partners something must be wrong with her. The Victorians even created a disease for women who indulged in normal lusty behavior… nymphomania. Even though such prejudices have long been discredited, the lunacy of moralism still runs rampant. Now, our early experiences do shape our preferences, attitudes and fetishes but the fact is you were promiscuous because you like sexual variety. You get bored having one partner for any length of time and this is perfectly normal. Your only problem is that you have what I call “Liz Taylor syndrome”—thinking you have to be in a relationship with every man you sleep with. After all, good girls aren’t supposed to be sexual or have urges or, heaven forbid, not be monogamous. You feel what you’re told to feel and you think what you’ve been told to think.

Now your period of abstinence may have been founded on a lot of mental chatter, but I’m always in favor of dropping out of any social game—the socio-sexual one included. It helps change perspective. One of the things I think you’re learning from this change of perspective is that your friends are morons. You need a man? No, you don’t. What you probably need is many men as often as you care to have them. But as you won’t do that without taking yourself on the whole relationship trip, you’ve opted to avoid the game altogether. Personally, I think you’re on to something. But your friends will claim you’re sad and lonely and missing out on so much. What exactly are you missing out on? How happy do they look to be in their lives? Your life might not be perfect but from what I see you’re happy a good deal of the time, which is more than most can say. What you’re doing goes against the modern, western female paradigm and when people see a person doing something different, they go to great lengths to label that person “abnormal,” because that makes them feel better. Being “abnormal” isn’t a bad thing. Mutation is the primary driving force behind evolution. You just do what you want, Karen, and to hell with anyone who doesn’t like it.


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5 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: When You Sabotage Your Own Love Life

  1. Kimberly

    I appreciate the opportunity to leave a comment and Karen 🙂 I hope things are feeling better for you . I wanted to take this opportunity to offer another side of the coin . I feel maybe through your past be it childhood or teen years there were reasons to put your own thoughts, expectations , and wants to the side. This Definitely goes hand in hand with past abuse or even present abuse. The hardest thing to do after surviving abuse is to put our minds and hearts back together in learning to love ourself in every way 🙂 . It seems as if you are happy and positive in most things which is amazing 🙂 however maybe the next step for you may entail letting go of guilt for physical happiness and I believe that is why the dirty feeling comes to play. It is deep rooted in your psyche and I feel you will have some steps to take to release that guilt. It may not feel like guilt as in I have hurt someone and feel bad now kind of guilt it is more of a loathing form of guilt that begins in childhood or in trauma . I hope this reaches you and I hope you smile 🙂

  2. Angela

    Good advice for Karen. It nothing wrong with her thinking at all and don’t her friends know what is good for some is not good for all. Let her live her life and not live for everybody else.

  3. marc from the uk

    I cannot hlp but think that Pychic Liam is to wise to be here on earth to learn anything other than be a teacher of wisdom and clarity- I am always blown away by his knowledge which always has a perfect angle to it whilst makig sense!!!

    here in England w have A Queen, Princess and Prince’s, even Knights, How is America going to award Liam an Honoury? He clearly is worthy of recognition in title as well as wsdom !

  4. Jayme

    Unfortunately, I think Liam missed the boat on this one. I think the biggest issue she needs to deal with, before settling in to the idea that having multiple partners is okay (and it is), is her issue with past abuse. I believe that’s coloring how she views sex and relationships more than the societal idea of what’s right or wrong.


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