Sex Q&A: Too Tired for Love

Lisa writes:

Dear Liam,

We’ve just celebrated our 12th anniversary and I’m worried. It’s not that we don’t want to have sex — I still find my hubby really hot and he says there’s nobody for him but me — but we just don’t seem to have it except maybe once in a blue moon. Between work and our four kids and the pressures we have … it’s seems all we want to do when we finally get to bed is sleep. Are we destined to just live like this until the kids grow up, or are there things we can do to restart our sex life?

Greetings Lisa,

First, let me assure you that your situation is one shared by many, and it’s a tragic commentary on the lifestyles of contemporary couples. When our direct survival needs (or those of our children) are constantly invoked, our libidos can be forced to take a back seat.

Good sex requires an overall balance of the nervous system, along with a lot of calming relaxation. Ironically, it takes work to de-stress and depressurize. I sense that when you and your husband do have downtime in the evening, you both sit in front of the television eating unhealthy foods. This may provide temporary distractions from your sense of stress — but it doesn’t actually help you to switch gears. In fact, these sorts of indulgences lead to more nervousness and less sex.

I strongly advise the two of you to flip off the tube and literally start heating up the bedroom. Heat helps soothe the body and mellow systems that are too highly strung. Indulge in some relaxing massage techniques. Also, even though you and your spouse might find this very silly, I want the two of you to forget about having sex for a while.

Instead, with the heat turned up, lock the door, strip down and in a very fun and respectful fashion, get down on the floor and wrestle. Don’t worry if he’s bigger than you, girls can fight a little dirtier. This activity will heat up your bodies and your primal subconscious. At first you will feel very silly, but I sense that you two need a chance to be silly for a time. And after a few matches, I have a feeling you’ll be doing other even more pleasurable things together.

Be well,


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