A reader wonders why his energetic and excited relationship advances are turning off his intended target. Liam offers insight into why he might be coming across as creepy or needy.
Christopher from Mushin asks:
There is a girl I came across at my workplace. After a long eye contact, I gave her a love card with my phone number, and she was very excited and happy about it. But as I’m trying to pour out my heart to her to show her how much I care. She started showing indifference and was less concerned about my calls to her. Please, I need help, since this is what usually happens to me whenever I approach a girl I care for.
Greetings, Christopher, and thank you so much for this interesting inquiry. As I make my foray into the cinema which is your life experience, I find you to be a sincere and well-meaning fellow. One with many attributes a lady might find admirable. However, in order for any lady to discover these things about you, you have to let her get to know you. And this appears to be where we hit the proverbial stumbling block. The fact is, Christopher, you’re creeping women out long before they get the chance to understand who you are.
The problem, first and foremost, is that your approach is far too direct. In the situation you described, you came at this poor woman very aggressively making overt romantic gestures; which is fine if one is courting a partner purely for sexual purposes. In that case, acts of dominance punctuated by a grand romantic flourish will work very well. You, however, are not conducting an operation of mere physical seduction. You’re looking for a long-term companion. And your initial approach is much too forward. You rushed headlong into a passionate courtship… declaring love and the deepest of emotions… and you terrified the poor girl with your antics. Why? Because you don’t know her. You never cultivated an acquaintance, let alone a friendship with this woman. Of course she had to wonder just who you were claiming to care so much for. To her it appears you are far more in love with the idea of being in love than you are with her. Not only that, but your falling so easily for her then begs the question just how many girls do you fall so passionately in love with? You mention other occasions where you’ve had this same problem. Women can be very practical when it comes to this sort of thing, my friend. The smart ones know when a man’s ardor is too hot to have any substance or be sustained for long.
If you’re serious about finding a real love, based on real admiration for a real person, you’re going to have to change and start putting the lady before the romance. Make it a priority to know her for who she is long before you ask her out. Find out about her family, her friends, her interests, her hopes and dreams before you submit to her one of those daring love cards. Your best bet is to find a female friend who can mentor you in women’s ways. Someone older, or simply worldlier, with whom there is no chance of you having any kind of romance. Ask this woman to help you understand what women want, how they think and that sort of thing. Don’t be shy in asking. Women love to mentor men. They love to teach, and are generally very good at it. And next time you set your sights on a love interest, go slow, cultivating real friendship first. The lady will let you know when you can start to move faster. Just remember, men pursue… the ladies decide the pace.
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