Sex Q&A: Is it Love or Just Sex?

Do you know what kind of relationship you are in or are you maybe longing for more. Liam looks into this dilemma more in this segment of Sex Q&A.

Aly from London, United Kingdom asks:

Why can’t I just have great sex with him instead of feeling obliged to want more? I like a man who is with another woman. I think I want a relationship with him but I feel our only common ground is lust. His girlfriend is tolerant of his playing with others, but yet I’m not. Am I in denial of my real feelings, or am I totally being played by this man?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Aly, and thanks for writing. Give yourself credit for some hardcore self-observation here and a big gold star for approaching the situation from a realistic standpoint. Your question and the words you use to ask it show the kind of self-awareness few people can bear to muster. I agree you are experiencing quite the dilemma. What we can be sure of is that your thoughts of having a relationship with this man are not the result of oxytocin or any other fairy tale, monogamy-inducing chemical. They’re also not the result of some karmic connection or “contract” that you need to work out with this gentleman. But I think you already know all that. I also think you already know what the answer to your question is. If you need help finding your own answers on this let Liam or one of our many psychics help you today.

You mention feeling obliged to want a relationship with this man. You feel like you’re “supposed” to want a relationship with him because there’s a social subtext that has been ingrained in your psyche since you were a toddler that girls should only have sex within the confines of a conventional relationship. If you dare buck this traditional puritanism, then you risk tribal alienation and branding yourself with the scarlet archetype of “bad girl.” And we all know what happens to bad girls. Watch any movie, soap opera or read any romance novel. This narrative may seem archaic but make no mistake, it remains as subconsciously powerful as ever. No one may actually live that mandate any more now than they ever did, but that doesn’t matter. The early, subtle introduction of the standard casts the role and sets the script from the beginning. You can blame television for it. You can blame your family. You can blame religion. But it won’t make any difference. What matters is the fact that the whole mess creates nothing but rubbish and hardship and women who will go to great lengths to perpetuate its illusion in their lives.

If you dare to break the pattern, you’ll see that it’s okay to feel something deep for this man—something wondrous and frightening. Indeed, it’s entirely possible to fall hopelessly in love with him and still not want to be in a long-term relationship with him. In fact, if you learn to favor experience over possession, then you can quite easily indulge in these realms of emotional delirium without having to drag along the taint of conventionalism that so often destroys such midnight connections. Personally, I think you need this relationship to be just what it is for just as long as you want it to last. Put aside the childish, American morality you’ve been taught and allow yourself to experience some real adult emotion for once. You’ll be better for it.


Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.

3 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Is it Love or Just Sex?

  1. Courtney x5036

    Great article Liam. It seems Aly knows what she wants and is empowered and able to handle whatever happens. We can all handle much more than we think, so enjoy the now without fearing tomorrow.

  2. Ann

    Careful Aly
    When you get right down to it, sex is an urge …. lust the avenue for the human race to propogate the species, oxytonin released by the brain to promote the bound necessary to work together, for the man to protect the mother and for the mother to nourish the baby … the survival of the species. A deep relationship with this man without satisfying your urge is a great avenue to learn to live without possession, and learn about the gift of love alone, supporting choices to be whom you and they want/are striving to be. You too need to consider supporting yourself and who you want to be so that you are not compromising yourself. Attachments that are without possession, are learned first in, well, I will use intense, intense friendships that really encourage self-evolution without excuse, no sex. In a sexual context, it is easy to fool yourself that there is no possession when going for it in the name of exploration, urges are like that, so is oxytonin. Just think of a person who indulges in food and becomes obese (not those genetically prodisposed), the mechanism in the brain that is at work is not any different, the pleasure principle. The place of non-possessive love, detached honored individuality, isn’t truly reached until you have done some intensely personal, and at times, frightening work: integrating the animus / your shadow self with the self you present to the world, no fear, no psych defensiveness, really understanding and resolvind your own attachment dramas (our deepest those from our earliest day, listen to any parent’s coos and see the love, or lack of, in their eyes ), and, going from there to define your individuality and blossoming from that place (your morality, ethics, principles, and integrity – all those things by which you will judge your success as you approach the grave, is the place where your free choice really exists. This comes to you after you have done the work. Natal charts are often useful in directing your efforts. Once you are at this place, then you have achieved the place of truly non-possessive interactions with others, you understand and are able to do: look into another’s eyes, alone, without expectation, the non-possessive existance of adulthood. This is when you define if the confines of a conventional relationship is what you want. There are other tribes, other than the conventional, that will brand you and alienate you, that is merely a part of living in a free society. Bucking societal messages, “do what you want” when applied on a societal level also gives license to the killer to murder without guilt, and theives to rob you of even the most basic of survival items, and, predators to molest. Societal rules exist for a reason, and I agree with Liam, some are archaic. When you have done all the work I have described, then you are a free individual, totally self-responsible, without illusions, being/loving without possession. There is no drama (hopelessly in love can mean there are unresolved integration issues), you live respectful of yourself and others, and collaborate to support yourself and others in their journey throughout life.

  3. Aida Bon

    Liam my Dear, you have so much knowledge, but the way you aswer is allways so amazing. I know what your answer will be but I would be finished in 5 sentences and your answers are little novels. I just finished 2 beautiful books on Polyamory. I was inspired by one of your recent columns. I am still waiting for YOUR!!!!! collected columns
    Yours truly Aida Bon (The Netherlands)


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