Sex Q&A: The Other Girl

Becca Wrote:

I’ve been going out with this guy for a while and I’ve fallen in love with him, but he doesn’t feel the same way. I suppose I’m a “friend with benefits.” I know there is another girl he’s interested in, but I feel like I’ve tried everything to keep his attention — kinky toys, hard sex — he loves all of it, but me. One minute I feel like he’s mine and the next he’s bring up “the other girl.” It’s killing me! How do I tell him how I feel and manage to keep him?

Liam’s Response:

Love is a highly subjective term. I’m not about to give you a lecture as to what I believe love is or isn’t. However, I think if you really dig for what attracts you to this man, you might find that you’re using a very powerful term, where it might not be applicable. You lust for him, yes. In your eyes, he is a being to be seduced and conquered. You also wish to defeat your rival in the contest. And while this is a healthy desire, I fear that in the matter of love, you highly idealize this fellow.

If I may be blunt, the energy I get from this man is that he is weak. A wishy-washy, lukewarm sort, and more than a bit on the naive side. A child masquerading as a man. He hasn’t a fraction of the fire you have, and I really feel that if it weren’t for the challenge he presents, including the rivalry factor, he wouldn’t ignite your desires at all.

Still, I realize these rituals and dramas have their own movements and cycles, and this problem is perhaps a very important part of your own evolution. For your position in this is far more powerful than you imagine. As a matter of fact, when I view the energies and the players involved, I see that your position is by far the most advantageous one. The key lies in understanding how to use your true power and position; to usurp your lover’s naive notions of romance and idealism with a healthy dose of pure sex and seduction. And in that you’re already off to a good start.

Your rival is of little consequence, really. She represents a certain model of domestic perfection to him, a certain innocence and American purity. Sort of like a ’50s-sitcom housewife. His desire for her isn’t sexually viable, but one that is more intellectual and sentimental.

You, as the bad girl, already own him, having already given so much so freely. You know his likes, his dislikes, his tastes — do you know his most secret fantasy yet? The one he is reluctant to share? If you do not, use your feminine wiles to find out. He has a hidden sexual hot button, a very secret one, rarely revealed, if ever at all. All men do. No exceptions. Ask him about it, because with you, he’d share the intelligence. Not with her. When you have the knowledge, employ it. Indulge him this fantasy (safely, of course). I have a feeling I know what it is, and you’ve had a hint of it yourself.

Also, remember that his confidence is as frail as his character is fundamentally weak, so catering to his ego is essential. Fluff his feathers, root for him, stroke his pride in bed at every opportunity.

After you stroke his ego a bit, then, start showing him the power you wield. Cancel a date. Cancel another. Don’t pull your energy back totally and don’t stop the intimate acquaintance, for it is your primary weapon. But, he must have a dose of what you represent — and what he stands to lose if you become displeased.

And no matter what you do — and this is very important — never, ever appear upset over the mention of the other woman. Act as if it doesn’t matter and that you don’t care. If he wishes to speak to you about it, simply shrug and say you have no opinion because it doesn’t involve you. But never, ever give your rival undue energy. This is exactly what she wishes you to do because she has so little of her own. Too much energy expended this way will lead to the utter defeat of your plans in the end.

Take these suggestions, and you will see this rival fade over time.

Do you have a question for Liam? Ask here.

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