Sex Q&A: Loving a Soldier

Judith wrote:

I’m in love with a soldier. We have a past which involved him loving me too but then I moved to England for couple of years and he couldn’t follow. We met up last summer and had an incredible four days, but when I proposed that we give it another shot, he said he didn’t know. Despite the fact that he had a perfect opportunity to tell me he didn’t love me, he said that I had no idea what was going on in his head. He had the chance to cut me out of his life but he didn’t. Yet now that he’s overseas he ignores me. I don’t get it. Does he love me, too, but can’t deal with it because he’s off in Afghanistan or am I fooling myself into thinking there’s a future? I was the last person he called before he boarded that plane. Should I give up hope?

Liam’s Response:


Thank you so much for sharing the details of your dilemma. You know, this vast and complicated drama we call life often leaves more questions than answers, and we tend to become restless creatures in our day to day doings.

We seek instant gratification and with large doses of media fueled encouragement, forever chase things that entice and invoke the pleasure centers of our anxiety laden brains. We seem to want to see life as a series of sudden sprints, instead of the mega marathon it actually is. In love, we have become very tortured in so many ways, believing ourselves royal children entitled to the best and the brightest — and we want it right now! And why should we not have it? After all that’s how it is in the movies, but deep down you and I both know that the real deal is far more complicated.

As I look at the energy of this situation, I see that, sexually speaking, you and this young man are finely tuned to each other. Your bodies speak in ways your minds can’t or won’t just now. When you come together there is a hot and labored form of communication that connects the two of you on very subtle levels, and in that you do indeed have the foundation for long term passion. But passion like this is never an easy thing. It is almost always fraught with crisis, misunderstanding, and tragedy. Often true lovers find and lose each other under the most desperate of situations. If you look into classic literature, and you’ll find situations like yours in more old tales than you can even imagine.

I see that this fellow does indeed care about you. And in a better and more stable world perhaps things would be different. But I’m afraid you are just going to have to try and understand your lover and his torment. He is divorcing himself from his more tender feelings, shutting down on an emotional level so that he might attain a primal rawness which will assist him with the hazards he must face. It is not easy for him, but to allow himself the luxury of dwelling on deep feelings will only make matters worse. He is numbing himself, and that is a dangerous thing, for many who do so never return from that place inside which is locked in chilly isolation. Please understand, his life is one of danger, but that is the life he chose. He made that decision, and now he lives by it. And he feels that to include you in it would not be fair.

Make no more demands of this fellow. Your four days were magical, so why insist on taking things further? Is his life not complicated enough already? No, you must concentrate instead on yourself. Look to the needs of other people in your world, and keep the home fires burning. He’ll return to you in time, but he’ll still be who he is. If he finds a woman waiting for him, and not a girl, it could make all the difference.

Be well,

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