Sex Q&A: Love, Don’t Suffer

Linda writes:

I am a 60-year-old married woman, who was having an affair with a married man of the same age. We care for each other very much. His wife overheard some sexy conversation, and he is petrified of continuing our relationship for fear of losing his long-term partner. Due to physical reasons, she can’t even be held by him. My husband, due to medication, cannot be there for me sexually either. My friend is devastated and torn by the fact that he has hurt me and his wife. He feels tremendous remorse for the pain he has caused. I am very worried about his mental state now, and don’t know how to handle this.

Dear Linda,

Please try not to feel guilty or afraid. What I am about to tell you may not be popular with many people, I know, but you so need to hear it. You and your lover must try to stop feeling so much unnecessary regret. Neither you nor he wished your spouses to be ill. You did not make them ill. And I see that you both try very, very hard to care for them, despite all the hardships. Meanwhile, the two of you are natural and vital human beings who need love and affection … and sex. You are not ill, and these needs are a vital portion of your own health and well being. To repress and deny these needs would invite illness to yourselves, on emotional levels, spiritual levels, and in time, even physical levels.

No power in this world has the right to judge you. Sickness is a sad reality in our world. One day you may also be sick — too sick for sex — and so may I, and so may everyone reading this article. I seriously question this spouse who is so upset with her husband for expressing his normal and natural needs with another person. Certainly no one can blame her for being upset that she cannot be with him in that way anymore. But, is true love about possessing your beloved in bondage? Is sickness a mandate for selfishness? To react so badly says that she believes he should not have pleasure, because she cannot have pleasure, that he should suffer because she is suffering.

And I must ask, is this love? My advice to you is to go on soothing your lover with your body, and remind him that life for all of us is a fleeting thing. You will need to take things slowly and always remember, you did not make your spouses ill. Nor should you be required to pay for their illness. But please, for their sakes, be discreet. It appears to me that he wanted her to overhear that conversation on some level, so that it would all be out in the open. He was hoping she would be understanding and give him permission. He was hoping she loved him that much. But she doesn’t. It may come to light that she doesn’t love him at all. But I see that you do. So go be in love, and make love. Without regrets, but with discretion.

Be well,


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