Carmen from Chestertown, Maryland asks:
I am a virgin and have never even had a boyfriend. How should I go about getting one? And how would I know what to do in order to be a good girlfriend?
Thank you for this question. Certainly, in this culture, a virgin over the age of say 13 or 14 is something of a novelty. But please don’t get hung up on a tired old archetype laden with misconception. A virgin can be sensual. A virgin can be sexual and orgasmic and experimental. What you should do is utilize your time without a partner as an opportunity to develop your own erotic tastes and appetites without distraction or external pressures.
A person’s inner sexual kingdom is a very mystical and magical place; a surreal sort of wonderland full of hope and desire, pleasure and pain. Most people don’t spend near enough time exploring it on their own. They lessen their connection with it very early in life, chasing the experience of others and never fully entering their own holy inner sanctum. I would advise you to take some time with this to cultivate your own tastes and your own secret fantasies. Explore literature and art and music. Explore yourself. Create. What comes next can be quite an adventure. You’ll need to be ready.
So let’s just forget about boyfriend-catching for the moment. Better yet, let’s forget about it forever. The more you concentrate on developing Carmen as a person, the less you’ll ever have to worry about petty things like attracting men. I want you to consider making your way through this early phase without focusing on establishing a monogamous relationship as part of the bargain. In other words, when you decide you’re ready to start sharing yourself with others, then do so safely and responsibly with a variety of partners. Don’t shackle yourself to the tired old standard of find a guy, date the guy, get some sort of promise of a commitment (however meager) out of the guy and then let him take you to bed, after which he will very likely dump you. Spare yourself the nonsense of convention and concentrate on living. If sex happens—if love happens—then it does. Be open to it. If it doesn’t, that’ll be okay too.
Now, I know plans of action aren’t exciting, but for a blueprint starting out, I would suggest putting yourself in situations meant to induce feelings of ecstasy in the moment where lots of other people are present, like a music festival or an athletic event. There’s also the option of places where a group of people are involved in some unrestricted, common activity like skiing or running. What you’re looking for are places or events where high emotion is created and shared—places where the moment reigns supreme and the experience itself is the only thing that matters. Take advantage of any opportunity to be involved in these sorts of things even if they’re new, but for the best results stick close to things that actually interest you.
I know that sounds easy but you’d be surprised at the number of art lovers who haven’t been to an exhibit in ages or how many dance fans never actually make it to the ballet. Life gets in the way of what we love. Don’t let that happen to you. The energy of all this is important, but so is the camaraderie of the social vibration. And should a special person catch your eye, make it more about getting to know that person than bagging a “boyfriend” or losing your virginity. It’s all about now. Keep that as your mantra and you’ll never be disappointed.
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