Carmen from Chestertown, Maryland asks:
I am a virgin and have never even had a boyfriend. How should I go about getting one? And how would I know what to do in order to be a good girlfriend?
Thank you for this question. Certainly, in this culture, a virgin over the age of say 13 or 14 is something of a novelty. But please don’t get hung up on a tired old archetype laden with misconception. A virgin can be sensual. A virgin can be sexual and orgasmic and experimental. What you should do is utilize your time without a partner as an opportunity to develop your own erotic tastes and appetites without distraction or external pressures.
A person’s inner sexual kingdom is a very mystical and magical place; a surreal sort of wonderland full of hope and desire, pleasure and pain. Most people don’t spend near enough time exploring it on their own. They lessen their connection with it very early in life, chasing the experience of others and never fully entering their own holy inner sanctum. I would advise you to take some time with this to cultivate your own tastes and your own secret fantasies. Explore literature and art and music. Explore yourself. Create. What comes next can be quite an adventure. You’ll need to be ready.
So let’s just forget about boyfriend-catching for the moment. Better yet, let’s forget about it forever. The more you concentrate on developing Carmen as a person, the less you’ll ever have to worry about petty things like attracting men. I want you to consider making your way through this early phase without focusing on establishing a monogamous relationship as part of the bargain. In other words, when you decide you’re ready to start sharing yourself with others, then do so safely and responsibly with a variety of partners. Don’t shackle yourself to the tired old standard of find a guy, date the guy, get some sort of promise of a commitment (however meager) out of the guy and then let him take you to bed, after which he will very likely dump you. Spare yourself the nonsense of convention and concentrate on living. If sex happens—if love happens—then it does. Be open to it. If it doesn’t, that’ll be okay too.
Now, I know plans of action aren’t exciting, but for a blueprint starting out, I would suggest putting yourself in situations meant to induce feelings of ecstasy in the moment where lots of other people are present, like a music festival or an athletic event. There’s also the option of places where a group of people are involved in some unrestricted, common activity like skiing or running. What you’re looking for are places or events where high emotion is created and shared—places where the moment reigns supreme and the experience itself is the only thing that matters. Take advantage of any opportunity to be involved in these sorts of things even if they’re new, but for the best results stick close to things that actually interest you.
I know that sounds easy but you’d be surprised at the number of art lovers who haven’t been to an exhibit in ages or how many dance fans never actually make it to the ballet. Life gets in the way of what we love. Don’t let that happen to you. The energy of all this is important, but so is the camaraderie of the social vibration. And should a special person catch your eye, make it more about getting to know that person than bagging a “boyfriend” or losing your virginity. It’s all about now. Keep that as your mantra and you’ll never be disappointed.
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3 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: How to Be a Good Girlfriend”
Great advice: concentrate on developing yourself as a person. It is true, plans of action aren’t exciting, yet knowing yourself and being true to yourself are key to living with yourself. Intuiting your emotional responses, distinguishing those that are immature, and using thought-filled discipline and will to create the you you want to be, will mean walking into and past your fears and being selective.
I have found it helpful to consider the day you die. Will you love the life you have lived? What do you want to do before that day arrives? (swim with dolphins, climb Everest, gain international recognition in your chosen vocation, engage in sexual exchanges that include orgies) Who do you want to be across your life? (family member, mother, volunteer, hiker, swimmer, lover, marriage partner) What do you want to have? (house on the ocean, bicycle, horse, farm, airplane) Once you can hone all desires into, say 15 priorities in each category, then focus on your A-list, 5 in each (do,be, have). Your life has direction, your direction. When those 5 are accomplished, look to your B-list. You’ll be able to create smaller objectives that will help you actualize your dreams; when you are on your death bed you will know you have lived well, and, had a self-directed life worth living. There is no shame in making choices. Nor should you feel guilt that you have done so. If either occur re-examine you choices and who tou are hanging out with.
What you focus on at any given time will vary … now education … now building a family… and your objectives will change to match. Your attentiveness to accomplishing your life will attract abundance.
The process to get from here to there, facing fears, and being focused, is a vulnerable one. Your values and satisfaction will naturally flow as a part of the process. You will meet persons of a like mind, and have “the camaraderie of the social vibration” that matches. You will be more, and certainly not the “art lovers who haven’t been to an exhibit in ages or how many dance fans never actually make it to the ballet.”
Good advice: socially diverse experiences will help you figure out your joy, and you will find others you can share common activities with. Once you are in your groove, have a clear picture of your path, you know more about yourself.
Until you are confident in yourself and your direction stick to Liam’s advice: spare yourself the nonsense of convention and concentrate on living, don’t shackle yourself, put yourself in situations for exploration and learning(be as protective of yourself as you would for a baby, there is only one you, and you are precious), and, make dating more about getting to know the person(s) without focusing on establishing a monogamous relationship. I advice you to consider how any of the men you encounter protects women (does he demean former partners), how he proclaim his love (are you a keeper, the go-to girl when he can’t get laid elsewhere, or are you the throw-away), and, how does he provide /what does he do to express love (most men seek to lighten your load and make your way easier so be careful about speaking of your desires). What would be respectful? While learning all this, remember you are your first priority, do not let anyone pressure you, when you’re ready, you’ll be open, and ready to share more of yourself with others (this will feel more vulnerable).
When sex happens — love happens—you will be present in the moment not with an urge or insecurity, but emotionally and cognitively connected to someone who matches you. “The energy of all this is important” ….. in the moment means being effective in the here and now, with an eye on the path that leads to the life you will be content with and satisfied with on that day you die.
I also advise; Do not be ashamed to judge, liking chocolate ice-cream instead of vanilla is a judgement. The trick is not passing judgement as if omnipotent. Accept that some things are criminal (stealing, killing, raping, sodimizing children, slavery) and some of societal rules are there to protect everyone.
Hi Liam, how are you? Hope all is well. Thanks for another smashing article:) I wish I had met you when I was just starting out on my journey. Having you as a TEACHER would have taken away a lot of the confusion. However, my father was gifted and psychic as well, and he showed me many awesome avenues similar to the ones you have mentioned in this latest article. Experiencing different lovers and interests really is the key. At times it can be a jarring experience, but if you take it as growing pains, you do eventually get to that place of high vibration. As a parting comment I want to once again bow to the High Priest in you. I hope to meet you in person one day. You are a true friend to the energy of SHAKTI.
Hi Liam, Can you repost your column and then do not direct it to Carmen, but to all women. That is the problem now adays. Women are chasing some stupid fantasy that has been stamped into humanity since the invention of religion 2000 years ago. Marriages do not end because of the lack of (good???) sex, but the lack of camaraderie……..make it about getting to know each other instead of “bagging” a man. We have almost forgotten Dr Spock who destroided a generation and now we have a new imposter. E L James. The 50 Shades of Grey can better be renamed 50 Shades of horror. Women are just rid of their shackles and once more they are begging to be blindfolded and whipped. HALLELUYA. THANKS AT LEAST SOME OF US HAVE LIAM, THE MOST BROADMINDEN AND SERENDIPIDUS MAN I KNOW.
Love Aida Bon ( The Netherlands)