Sex Q&A: Find True Love, Let Go of Old Lovers

He’s Gone, Get Over It

Mette from Oslo, Norway asks:

I was widowed almost 11 years ago. My husband and I had been together for 18 years at the time of his death. It took me seven years after he passed to even look at another man. I did find a man, and we had an on/off relationship for several years. Mostly sexual, but also quite endearing, and we were always good friends. We ended up parting, but still remain friends and keep in touch by texting now and then. He is in a serious relationship now, and I’m happy he has found someone. I don’t believe that we will ever be together again. My problem is I keep comparing men I meet with him… and nobody comes close. I’m not sure if I was actually ever in love with him, but I seem to be looking for a guy just like him! I know that it’s a stupid idea, but I kind of figure if I can’t have what I want, I don’t want what I can have. I don’t want to settle for something I consider less (sounds very arrogant I know!). How do I change my frame of mind?

I’m not sexually active at the moment, and it feels like I never will be again. I miss being intimate and having a partner more than the actual sex part of a relationship. Can you offer any advice or insight that might jerk me out of my slump? Tell me if you can see anything in the relationship department for me in the future, and give me advice on what I must do to create this future for myself.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Mette. You’ve graced me with the beauty and tragedy of your life, and I will try to give what advice and comfort I can. First and foremost, you need to stop chastising yourself for maintaining a level of selectivity in your choice of partners. Why do we insist that a woman of a certain age, having been widowed or divorced, must (simply MUST) go forth in a desperate search for male companionship? I’d rather you lived and died alone than to ever succumb to such rubbish. Women, especially in our culture, tend to equate value with having a specific type of relationship with a man, and then they further illustrate their value to themselves by degrading those who don’t fit or refuse to follow such nonsensical standards. This isn’t Victorian England. The sorry, ragged spinster is no more. There is nothing wrong with having standards. Neither do I believe you are an arrogant person. I believe you’re a woman trying to understand herself, her body and her life. And in this, you have my deepest respect.

I encourage you to keep the bar high in regard to potential mates. But along with this, I need you to be realistic about what has happened to you. When you lost your husband you became, in essence, a sexual exile. For seven years, you had an actual aversion to taking another mate. But you are a sensualist at heart; ripe with promise—and when that fellow came along after seven long years, you were like a seed pod ready to explode on a steaming July night. After all that time, it was very much like you were a virgin again. Some thinkers believe our first sexual partner sets the imprint standard for all future lovers, and if they’re correct then there’s absolutely nothing “abnormal,” or “strange” about any of what you’re experiencing.

You were very wise to know that even though you had imprinted so heavily with this man, the relationship didn’t have the staying-power for the long term. Your liberation from it is slow. Chemical imprints of that magnitude are tough to break. And you are lonely. Please don’t let loneliness become a license for desperation. A woman of character, such as yourself, needs time and space and solitude. Cultivate this, and understand its meaning. For once in your life, it’s all about you and nobody else. We are not defined by relationships. Or, at least, we don’t have to be. Imprinting can be altered, and it can be overcome. Cutting this man entirely out of your life is a start. Close all the doors on him, and make it forever. Accept the suffering, and don’t fight the feelings you still have for him. Enter a time of grieving, like a second widowhood, where you suffer your loss. Ritualize it. You might even hold a mock funeral for your friend. Accept that he’ll always have a bond with you, but understand that the man you made love to is dead. He existed in that moment, and now is a different person. Accept the transitional in life. Find your place in the moment of experience. Cling to darkness, poetry and dance. The process is poetic, and art is your shaman. I can give you a signpost, but you must fill in the gaps. In time, your journey will link to the path of another. But that is another tale entirely…


Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.

Exclusive offer: New customers can speak to a psychic for ONLY $1 per minute. Select your psychic advisor here.

Who is your true love? Talk to a psychic and find out. Call 1.800.573.4830 or choose your psychic now.

37 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Find True Love, Let Go of Old Lovers

  1. Nettie

    I agree with your true analogy of the heartfelt situation. I hate to say this but you could have been directing it all at me. I myself still feel all the pain the longing and when i do find myself being with a man i find there is no real feelings behind it just the act. I do want to move on its been well over ten years now for myself, but i just don’t seem to know how and to allow myelf to feel again. I can say now i can try to take my situation one step at a time and allow myself to feel. Thank you Liam

  2. Ardre

    Liam you are awsome, I am in the same situation, I waited sixteen years to have sex after I became a widow, as yet I have had xex with only one man in sixteen years, the man I met started off charming, caring, sharing, a wonderful peson, later I found out he wasnt for me, a liar, cheater, and I haven’t been with anyone since, I’m lonely, need a sexual partner, relationship for me, I am lost. I have almost given up on ev er finding a man for me.

  3. Patti

    I can almost imagine that I am that woman to whom Liam is speaking. My life seems to have paralleled hers in grieving over lost love, (being discarded in my case) and setting unreasonable standards for someone else to attain in my approach to possible relationships. My problem too, is that I refuse to “settle” for what I can have, holding out for what I want or nothing at all. In truth, I am OK on my own, although at times a bit lonely, especially in this cold, and getting colder world. Liam’s compassionate understanding of the lady’s situation and feelings, as well as his wonderfully encouraging advice to her gives me hope as well. Thank you Liam.


  4. anna

    I love reading Liam’s responses and can’t wait for CP to fix everything so I can reach him from my country – not working for some reason 🙁 but I must say this is by far the best and wisest response I’ve ever read in this website! I understand “cling to darkness” because I have given myself time to grieve in the past and later to get out of my darkness with my own strength, which is a wonderful experience – much better than trying to ignore my darkest feelings. Liam’s amazing!…

  5. Kathy

    Liam, so very well and poetically put. Thank you. I am also in a similar situation, only mine is through divorce; my [2nd] husband left me, and it is easy to equate this experience with what Mette has gone through. Exploding seed pod! I like that!! How true!! LOL — I feel I am almost over the grieving, still crying just not as frequently. I miss the intimacy, yet am enjoying the transition, enjoying doing and learning to do things on my own, for me. Thank you again for this wonderful post.

  6. Donna


    I have been reading your posts for some time now and have to admit I am intrigued. I have to tell you that everyone of your articles hits home for me. This one especially as I too am in a period of mourning over the loss (intimate relationship) of my soulmate. I have recently embraced being alone in my solitude and trying not to regret taking a stand in my morals regarding his present state of affairs. I took myself out of a situation that no longer worked for me. I finally broke a pattern with him that has went on for 11 years. I could not do it anymore and knew it had to change. Now I am alone and miss him daily. I am a very sexual person. Being with occasional sexual partners is not what I wanted. At the end of the day I am proud of myself for what I did. I still have a hard time some days with letting go. I guess I miss the intimacy once shared with him. It doesnt matter who I use to fill the sexual void I have. They are not him. Knowing that we have a spiritual connection and that we are spiritually entwined does not help. It is hard to have this connection with someone and not be able to act on it. So with that said, I have to admit that as usual I found this article timely and so accurate. Here’s to burying the past and moving on with hope.



  7. Sheyla Salcedo

    May be your right, but I feel like he still loves me where ever he is, I dont know that for a fact because there’s no way we can contact each other because his in some kind of placement and he dosnt have my number nor do I have his.

  8. ehnglo

    Cling to darkness, poetry and dance???

    why would ANYONE cling to darkness??? that’s the stupidest/silliest thing i’ve ever heard.

  9. jeanette harris

    i am a widowed every since 2005 i never through i would every be looking for another mate. but time seem to take a new direction. will i find another in my path.

  10. Melinda

    Hi im kinda in the same situation right now but my ex husband kept me locked up and I am still to say lastnight was my first time out in 9years and I felt kinda shy and not know what to do. I would say grab a female friend and go do something you like play pool going bowling go sit back and drink a beer. What ever it maybe that you liked before go do it you will be amazed on the feeling you get meet someone new talk to them. But get out there and start having some fun. I did that feeling of being out felt so good. I tell you I was very shy but I would do it again.

  11. jesse9027

    That was one of the most beautiful responses I have ever read! Grief is a wicked mistress and one of the most paralyzing emotions the human heart can dare to withstand. It also has the ability to romanticize the one we lost…and that is equally dangerous to the remaining heart.

    There are those people who enter our life journey and, regardless of the time spent, alter everything that follows. The loss of such a person can rip the very heavens apart and there is so little in our Western culture that really offers ritual and decorum for such passion and intensity.

    Your words were offered in great kindness and consideration. On behalf of all of us who grieve, thank you!

  12. michelle Bare

    I have been with my boyfriend for two years. Weve lived together for almost that whole time. He has two adopted boys with emotional problems and i have a daughter.
    We became engaged last Christmas and i dont think I could be more in love with him.(Hes a Cancer Im a Capricorn) but I cant get along with his boys. They try everything in their power to drive a wedge between us. My daughter though has accepted him and likes him.
    We fight every time his kids are over and he usually ends up threatening to leave if i cant get along. I do love him but I am at the end of my rope I just dont know if i should move on or try to keep my mouth shut and put up with the crap.
    Can you please give me some advice. we have been to a therapist and she said she sees nothing wrong with us as a couple but his kids need some serious help. Which hopefully they will be getting soon.

  13. Sophia

    Hello Mette

    I do believe much of what Liam suggests is very helpful. The flip side to his advice of solitude, contemplation and grieving is also to get out in the world in a way that has nothing to do with dating
    but honoring yourself: a book club, a tri-athalon, a walking group, a wine group or dinner friends.
    Keep yourself in touch with other humans and give and receive affection in a way that is not about a man or having a man. There are also sensual hobbies: dough and baking, gardening ( a waft of basil, lilacs, or lemon balm always does the trick, or how about sexy dancing (belly dancing) You can also get substitute affection and touch through various massage techniques (legitimate) ones, also the feet.: try manicures and pedicures, whirl pools at the club.

    You may like to volunteer with babies or animals that need to be held and given affection.

    These are some ways to continue your life as a sensual woman who has great ability to give and receive love, helping you to heal while letting you digest your grief from last lover as well as any remaining grief from your husband. Perhaps a grief therapistras well, to give you emotional support while you process.

    Best Wishes and God Bless!

  14. Cathy

    Great advise and something I too needed to read to reinforce what my soul keeps telling me my while my lonely heart tells me another. This letter could have been written by me except I was married for 27 years and have been alone for 7. I had the opportunity to enter into a toxic relationship with my first love who had re-entered my life shortly after my husband departed but decided against it because it didn’t seem very wise but have at times since wondered if I made the correct decision. You are absolutely right Liam, it is too easy under these circumstances to let loneliness become a license for desperation when it should be looked at as another opportunity for transition and growth.

  15. Katie

    Oh my, this lady’s life is almost parallel to what has happened in my life. Thank you so much for the “signpost”, I will go to work on filling in the gaps and follow a new path. My birthday is March 19, 1946, Minneapolis Minnesota 10:35 pm.

  16. dean mackay

    Dear Liam In April i had psychic reading with a scotish psychic i told the full story about me and lisa my dob 19 april 1962 lisa 11 6 73.I Have known Lisa sinice she was 16 she got pregant and have my son luke who is now 15.I Left when i luke was 2 it was was biggist macste of my life and now i am suffing forit. lisa came back into my life because i used to see lisa and luke every two weeks because i went to see my daughter rebecca now 20 years from another relationship.Every other sunday a night me and lisa would make love this was going on for 10 years now lisa does not want anything to do now one because i was leading a double life i met some one else.LISA know about my expartner for years i admit it did bother lisa because when we made love for hours i had to to home this would make lisa mad looking back now i can understand that she knew i was going back to my expartner.IT came to a head last november my child support went up from 37 pounds to 92 pounds my csa beause my case not been reviewed for a few years.Anyway since than rows ands over this untill febauary.Luke and lisa had enough of me and LISA told me and told me its over.I Cryed for 3 weeks i was heart broken by this now i am on my own now i still see luke but i get very down when pick luke up i still love lisa very much but lisa does not want to know me lisa and luke have gone back into kinghom hall, jovess withness.The point i am makiing liam is when spoke to the psychic in april the door was still open but she said it would take time.NOW l cant lisa out of my head i am so down is there a chance lisa and my son will take me back lisa has told me she has not loved me for two years well i was very hurt at what lisa said.

  17. Beverly

    I feel as if u r talking directly to me. Thank u for helping me to understand that I must be patient with myself.I know that I am getting sstronger and that there is something/someone on the other side of this hurdle.

  18. sweetz1

    I can really relate to where Mette is coming from. I sometimes feel the same way. I got married and the relationship did not to well. He allowed his ex girlfriend to help put an end to our marriage. We only stayed marry for about 2 months. That really hurt me. Basically, because I had never, been done that away. He said he loved me. But, he walked away anyway. Even though, he’s in a relationship with his kids mom, he claims he does not love her and now he’s cheating on her with other females. But she puts up with it. So, my problem is, when ever someone ask me out, I pretty much shut down. Only because, I cannot seem to move forward. It’s like I want to hold on to something, which in reality, I do not have. I find myself comparing guys to my ex. So therefore, I’m stuck in a unrealistic relationship. Holding on to something I don’t have. What do I do? Just hoping one day, he’ll come back in my life.

  19. penny

    Amen! Great advice with the mock funeral. I’ve had a terrible time letting go totally of my ex (who was a cheating, liar and left some scars) we still txt occasionally, yet he still tries to be possessive. I’ve not spoken to him in a few weeks, and thought of saying hello today before I read this. Thank you liam. The man I loved is dead (he wasn’t that great anyway!) and its time I move on! I will carry your words. Again, thank you … Namaste Liam. May all your days be as bright as the light you share with others.

  20. Audrey

    That was not an answer to her question at all. It was rubbish. It does’t like Liam is a psychic at all and it’s being really judgey. This women want sex and a partner and you just babble a lot of bull shit on how her last partner is gone get over it. WTF anyone could say what he said. Lmof.

  21. Frances Moraca

    I am also a widow 8 years and have been dating. But it’s not the same. I will always miss my husband!! No one can replace him. But I am alive and single to go out into the world again and enjoy life. I have 2 children, my son is 14 and daughter is 22.
    I had to raise them all by myself! This is very hard but I did it! I’m a strong woman and will keep on going for my kids.



  22. LUCY

    Hi Liam: EXACTLY!!! And, once again you’ve “nailed it”, the absolute truth. My grand-ma was widowed early and men flocked to her. She would say to people “I have a husband, he is just not here with me right now” And, the people pushing her to just “settle” for a man/husband would become silent about the subject. My grand-ma did finally meet someone one day but AFTER she had learned to embrace her independence. She told us that he was her “friend”. They lived together part-time and DID live “happily ever after” with no expectation. Great life once she learned to live and love the value of herself.

  23. shemara

    Liam, the advice you gave Mette was excellent. I was on that path for years and I must say that I have been alone now for over eleven years. Not because I can’t get anyone but because I choose to. It is so rewarding to be able to be yourself without worrying about pleasing others. I have friends but I am fine being without an intimate partner. I was once a woman that could not imagine not having a man in my life. Now, I can’t even imagine having one in my life. I am so fulfilled and I now realize that it is more to being a woman and enjoying life to the fulliest with the people and things around you without concentrating on trying to attract someone to you. If it is meant to be it will be. Let the universe do it’s job.

  24. Roberta

    But you are a sensualist at heart; ripe with promise—and when that fellow came along after seven long years, you were like a seed pod ready to explode on a steaming July night.

    Liam, you do have a way with words, I love reading everything you write, you are so explicit and eloquent.

  25. Marilyn

    Thank you so much for this! I just lost my husband in January and am going through the same issues right now. This has helped me to not feel so desperate to be in another relationship….until I have time to grieve properly.

  26. Sara

    I became a widow at 36 yrs old, with 3 same children. We had been married for 16 years and been together for about 20 years. When he died a family friend had been very helpful and my children really liked him..we became close. We had a child together…at the time I knew deep in my heart that I wanted a father for my children…we were together for 3 years before I asked him to leave. We still see each other due to the fact that we have a child together and after 8 years he still wants to get back together. I know that will not happen, I guess I really didn’t love him as a partner.

    I know that others have told me how I should feel, what I should do, how I should behave…they say it is time to get over it but I know my own heart. It may seem that after 13 yrs I should be over my husband but I’m not…I guess I still grieve for him..miss what we had. I have enjoyed short lived relationships and do not regret them..that was what I needed.
    People do not understand what I’m going through..they think it’s just very easy to forget and move on…some have even said that my heart has been encased in a block of ice. When I met my husband I was not looking for a relationship but it happened. I know that if I am to be with someone it will happen. I have learned that you can’t force feelings and trying to be something or with someone because friends and family say you should, that is wrong. I know that what is right for one person may not be right for another..we are all individuals and things affect us differently. Mette do what you feel is right for you…you are the one living with it. I feel that you will find the right path…only you know what is right for you…like Liam said do not settle.

    You are in my thoughts and I hope you find all the wonderful things in life that you deserve!!


  27. Amy


    I have not read such brilliancy in a very long time. You are very correct in all that is stated in this piece and are to be commended. Well done.

  28. John Wild

    I have recently gone through a similar experience. I divorced my wife for another woman and then she decided to end the relationship. This has left me living on my own for the first time in my life. The words of advice you gave are helpful. Thank you.

  29. caroline

    I just wanted to say that Mette is not alone in her situation and have felt the very same way now for over 5 years. I too have felt lonely and disheartened by the lack of nice worthy men on offer. I too have ended up living alone with my dog and looking back at the past in stead of making a new life! So I think after reading Liam’s response I am going to take on board his advice as I hope you do too

  30. elly

    Thanks, Liam,

    You’re wiser than Solomon and more artculate than Shakespeare…..

    With a new romance on the horizon, and the old one on the edge of the sunset, you made me face a painful farewell, and admit that my fading lover’s brand new pursuit revealed his new passion in so many ways when I saw his body language and sparkle during an accidental public meeting with her recently. I’ve been burying the truth in the back of my brain since, and you gave me permission, (nee instructions), to take it out and examine it in the hurtfully bright light of day, and free myself as much as possible to at least give the new possibility a fighting chance!

    Even though I fully expect him to call me again when he needs his NS (narcissisitic supply) replenished, I now have a fighting chance of having the strength to avoid answering when his name appears on the caller id.

    I’m a reluctantly discriminating lover like Mette, and envy men their ability to succumb to many women’s charms, when we are so sorely limited.

    Thank you for the new hope! You’re the best!

  31. Susan Hood

    I too have recently been widowed and feel the loss of a partner terribly, but being of young age of 60 are now finding difficult to find the man that can take my fancy. I have a young man who i have been writing to on the internet for the past few months who tells me he loves me but i really cant accept that as true having never met him. He cant offer me the companionship i need, but i feellike taking his offer as my family are finding increasingly difficult to find the time or the inclination to give me the company i need. I feel very lonely and at a crisis in my life . I work but in a firm young people and i dont have a lot of money to spend on joining clubs to meet people. I need your advice.

  32. REW


  33. REW


  34. Athena

    Liam, you are so right about the first lover becoming the blueprint and a standard for future satisfying lovers. I am also going to come at this from another angle. If a child i.e. a girl finds satisfaction in the way her father treated her, she will look for that blueprint in a man or men. Women can realize what satisfies them and avoid a lot of confusing if they use the preceding information. Once you know what you find satisfying in a lover, the battle is half one. The rest is the mystery and magic of nature. Wish upon a STAR and it will be given to you. Be careful what you wish for because if you are confused like MIDAS in MIDAS AND THE GOLDEN TOUCH, you will find no satisfaction if your love is a rock hard golden dummy. My advise to women is: Know the blueprint that gives you satisfaction, and trust that it will come to you when you are ready to receive it. Don’t be afraid to experience it. It will take you places. And if you want to keep him long term, follow Liam’s formula: Just tease your man. Let him give first before you give him the kiss of death. Sorry but I am a SCORPIO and love is crimson, dark and all consuming for me! He is the moth and I am the flame.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *