BDP from Fountain Valley, California asks:
My boyfriend has some fetishes that I’m not sure that I’m comfortable with. I have given them a try, because I try to look at it like, “Don’t knock it until you try it.” I just wasn’t that into it, and I wonder where this stuff comes from. I guess I’m more of a submissive, and have a hard time taking on a dominant role. I get the feeling some of this comes from issues from his childhood. Any thoughts?
Greetings, B. As we proceed, I’d like to request that you attempt to receive the information I’m going to impart with as much openness and compassion as you can manage. It may prove difficult to palate my intuitive speculation on this matter. Even initially in reading your inquiry, I don’t feel any true personality in your words… It’s like I’m reading from a socially programmed script, not the sorrow-filled words of someone who truly cared about her partner and was willing to explore and expand with him. You never opened yourself to this experience at all. What attempt you did make was tainted with preconceived notions and judgment. You prepared yourself to dislike his fetish long before you tried it. That “Don’t knock it until you try it” attitude was really a way of saying, “I’ll do it once or twice to get him off my back and after that I’m done.”
You claim to be a submissive by nature. It seems to be the en vogue thing to be claiming as of late, and I welcome the opportunity to clarify some very pertinent points regarding the rampant misuse of this term. “Submissive” is a lifestyle expression pertaining to people involved in BDSM, master/slave and/or Gorean types of sexual relationships. It’s label given to males and females who adopt a submissive sexual role, and it has a very specific application. A submissive lives for their dominant’s pleasure. They are absolutely obedient, dedicated to a lifestyle of sensuality via servitude, even suffering. To call oneself submissive conjures many a steamy image indeed, and using the term is all the rage. Although we all have submissive and dominant aspects to our personalities, to really be a “submissive” implies a fairly precise situation. It means you live to please another, and you, my friend, don’t. When you say you are submissive, what you really mean is that it’s all about you. You want to be courted and wooed. You mean you hold the man responsible for lighting your fire and keeping it stoked. You mean you don’t like doing any of the work.
To continue with the disrespectful nature of your inquiry after claiming a title you don‘t really understand, you go on to say you don’t know where this “stuff” comes from. This “stuff” is part of your partner’s inner world, part of his fantasy life. It is his own secret and sacred self. This “stuff” is something he shared with you in trust. And you repay that trust by alluding to the probability that he was abused as a child as the reason he entertains this “stuff” you find so objectionable. Because in your mind, he is somehow abnormal.
From what I see in all this, you just want to go back to sex the way you like it. What you see as “normal sex.” And that’s fine. Just don’t do it with him. Sexual evolution and exploration is key to any successful partnership. One partner stagnating while the other is bursting with sensual energy is bad enough. But one partner beginning a quest for liberation believing their partner is with them… only to find out later that this trusted companion was simply humoring them and then sitting in judgment of their deepest and most tender longings… That’s just cruel. I understand my answer here is not politically correct, and you are free to decide what you will. You can seek within yourself and seriously walk this path of exploration with him, because you love him… because you value him. Or you can let your fear stop you. The choice is yours. But no matter what you do… Do it honestly.
Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.