Sex Q&A: Do You Need a Man’s Approval?

Sherry from Portland, Oregon asks:

Do men treat women differently for having been with other women, even if she still likes a man’s attention? Why do men get so upset at a woman for being with other women? Is there anything wrong with this, and how do you feel about this? I feel more at ease with women then I do men, but I still like men—just not to sleep with. What goes on inside a man’s head that gets them jealous when they find out the one woman they want to be with has slept with another woman?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Sherry. At the root of this enigma lies the forbidden garden of female sexuality in its most natural form. The themes of lesbianism as well as the fearful and fascinated male reaction to it, have long been a grand motif in western art. Contemplation of your question can take us to the icy depths of masculine opportunism and the archetypal realms of patriarchal terror. It’s a complicated journey, but undertaking it we’re bound to make some ripe and vital observations.

On the surface it would seem ironic that men should shy away from, or be offended by any woman’s lesbian tendencies. After all, doesn’t “two women making love” top the list of men’s all-time favorite pornographic fantasies? In almost every mainstream adult movie there will be at least one obligatory girl-on-girl scene. From strip clubs, to R rated films, the male fantasy of two chicks getting it on has been so ingrained as a perennial winner by popular culture that many straight women have decided they are suddenly very bi, willing to bed other women in order to be seen as ‘cool’ and ‘sexy’ by the men in their lives. And of course these men are only too happy to watch them do it. But you aren’t one of these pretenders. You’re a woman loving woman, through and through. And therein lies the problem. You see, men fetishize pretty little lesbian scenes because men are very often turned on by things they can direct, control and dominate. At the core of every lesbian fantasy a man has is the understanding that the two girls he’s watching are doing it FOR HIM. And that if he were to intrude on the scene, they’d turn their attention to him because it’s him they REALLY want. Real lesbians have no desire for him, or the ‘equipment’ he brings on the scene, and therefore real lesbians are something to be viewed with serious suspicion.

There are different archetypes enacted in lesbian encounters just as there are in heterosexual encounters, and your inquiry sent me back to Camille Paglia’s excellent observation of the Lesbian Vampire as illustrated in Coleridge’s romantic classic, “Christabel.” The archetype here is a powerful lesbian Goddess figure, a witch and seducer of maidens. She is also a poisoner of pious male authority; a usurper of linear and logical culture. She is female, but radiates a potent phallic form. She is woman with no need of man.

There are some species in nature which have dispensed with males entirely and are nonetheless quite successful in their bids for reproductive expansion. Our own scientific gurus are hard-pressed to explain why males exist in any species as there are much better and more efficient means of reproduction available. Somewhere, deep inside, men are aware they could become biologically expendable, which means anything that sexually excludes them speaks directly to an instinctive fear of chthonian dominance. This is not the realm of pony-tailed co-eds having pillow fights. This isn’t Katy Perry kissing a girl and liking it…

The mystery of lesbian sexuality is an ancient one, going back to the inner sanctum practices of matriarchal times. It is a thing set apart from men that needs neither their approval nor their blessing. At best it is a discomfort they would prefer to ignore. I’ve said it before, and no one likes to hear it, but the sad truth is straight men never ever enter into any sort of friendship with a woman unless there’s a chance that someday they’re going to get her into bed. Straight men are not complicated. As an honest-to-god lesbian who isn’t ever going to be a potential mate, you essentially have nothing to offer most straight men. Fortunately, there are always fellows of a more sophisticated nature who won’t find your sexual preferences intimidating, and won’t get too hung up on the fact that you cannot be seen as “prey.” These sorts might even find they’ve an affinity with you since you share a common interest in making love to beautiful women. So, don’t write off all straight men. Just be more selective in your choice of friends.


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4 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Do You Need a Man’s Approval?


    I have a lover that’s 20 years younger although the question has never been asked. i fear that question and his reaction. I know he loves me dearly and everytime we’re together is just MAGIC and has been so from the beginning. we haven’t seen each other for 2 months for the simple reason that I live in another continent, we speak on the phone every week, he says, over and over that he’s waiting for my return and he finds it very difficult to accept the separation. I’must go back firstly to see him but also for family reasons. My dilemma is, should I tell him the truth or just wait and see what happens when I am there.

    Looking forward to your wise answer.

  2. Violet

    I, too, would like to see LIam’s writing in wider circulation, because he’s one of the most realistic and informed commentators on human relations.

    My 21-year-old daughter came out to us when she was 14. No big deal — her dad and I have lots of gay friends, and lesbianism seems to run in my late mother’s family.

    Though my daughter thinks the word “lesbian” is schlocky, she’s smart, kind, hilarious — and so charismatic that she always has an army of great-looking guys surrounding her, which says a lot about the appeal of someone that independent. She’s the last person on earth to want any third party in the bedroom. She’s a Taurus. She wants true companionship of the heart, and some real estate.

    To emphasize the heart of LIam’s always-astute response to Sherry, I would suggest that regardless of sexual preference, nobody needs jealous or controlling people hovering around them.

  3. leo female

    As I have commented before on this subject, as a woman you should never do anything because you think it will gain you the male attention you seek. However, you need to be strong in yourself first before you can become aware enough to know pleasing a man is not obligatory just because you are a woman.

    Just as fantastical and ridiculous “girl on girl” sex has become almost de-riguer for this female-degrading society we live in, education and high self-esteem for women has to become the same. And it isn’t. As Liam hints at, it is the debasing of female power by making sexuality the only power women can have that is at the center of the male fear thast leads to it.

  4. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Aida,

    Took this oppurtunity to respond to your last posting…..
    WOW !!! 72 yrs old and living life to the max !….you go, girl !!!
    Now that is one book I would love to read! Aida,please let us know when it is out.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Aida Bon September 22, 2011 at 2:35 am
    Hi Gina Rose ext 9500, You are also a fan of the columns of Liam. Do you think he can find a publisher for all of his columns? He is amazing.
    My book is being published this fall and the title is: My men, My lovers, My Gigolo’s and I! The last sentence is: I am 72 and still going strong!!!!!!!I took Liams advice years ago……..Love Aida


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