Sex Q&A: He Cheated, Not Me

How to Keep Cheating Accusations From Getting You Down!

Jamila from San Bernardino, California asks:

My ex of eight years accused me of cheating, when he was the perpetrator. And the harder I tried to dispel his accusation (I took a lie detector test and passed, and he still didn’t believe me), the more guilty I looked. We have been broken up for six months now. He is with someone else, and was before I left. I can’t seem to let go, because it bothers me that he has this terrible perception of me. Will the truth ever be revealed?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Jamila, and thank you for writing. Your plight illustrates exactly how people use supposed moral objections to justify their desires. You and your ex obviously subscribe to very limited paradigms regarding human sexuality. People do not “cheat” in human relationships… People have sex. People have passions and temptations and poetry and midnight mist. Cheating is the domain of card players and tax evaders. As for what your boyfriend did, it’s easy enough to explain when you see it for what it was: the actions of a first-rate hypocrite. This man is an emotional coward who uses “morality” to get his own way. He never really believed that you were the type who would stray when the two of you were together. But when he became interested in another woman, he began to concoct this bizarre delusion concerning your fidelity as a way to justify his determination to break up with you in order to be with her. In other words, rather than risk having to make any alterations to his own tidy beliefs about his superior self, he lied to himself then set out to convince himself that lie was absolutely true.

People spend an enormous amount of time and energy talking themselves into the things they want. In your case, your idiot ex had to utterly convince himself and everyone else of your guilt in order to eradicate any guilt he might ever feel about taking another lover. Now, he has the girl he wants, and will tell anyone who will listen just how right he was to break up with you. And the hell of it is, he really believes it. That’s how we big apes do things.

But my main concern isn’t your ass of an ex… it’s you. That you actually took a polygraph test to try and satisfy this creep is a concept I find deplorable and horrifying. I don’t care if you were totally innocent or had slept with every sailor in Her Majesty’s Fleet… to subject yourself to such a thing for the sake of another’s approval is humiliating beyond belief. You really need to ask yourself why this man’s… or any man’s… approval should mean so much to you. I’d suggest getting some guidance in the matter from a reputable therapist or counselor of some sort. And stay away from men for a time. Make issues of faith more of a priority for a while. As for your ex, I say good riddance to him. You deserve so much better.


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6 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: He Cheated, Not Me

  1. Mags

    I always think my bf is cheating, call it insecurity, jealousy. gut feeling or whatever!! I have learned a valuable lesson though, sex is just that: Sex. to him anyway,,, He told me so !! He loves me and treats me like a queen. We live together and as to my surprise, I really do love that its almost like a freedom!! With all that love has to offer i believe that as long as you follow the rules, stay faithful to your partnership and have great liberating sex as a couple than why not and if either cheats than you be honest and decide where to go from there. Best Wishes for a healthy and loving life xo

  2. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Excellent advice !!!!

    This is NOT the first time I’ve heard of the accuser actually being guilty of what they are accusing the other of doing. It happens quite a bit actually.

    As for the lie detector test ……. ” it would be a cold day in hell ” !!!! ….before I would ever even consider taking a test like that to prove that I didn’t cheat !

  3. lana

    no Commet I have a question…

    How Do you get a man to open up about his feelings toward you?
    I met a very nice man on the internet, been talking an video chatting for approx. 7 months.
    he started to get distant, i sent him a Quotation that said “if you can call, text, or come see me
    i’ll raise five fingers an say goodbye.” He sent a message that said message under stood. i replied with if you didnt want to have a relationship they why did you even bother in the first place. he said ” you are assuming an that is not the case” so when i asked what was the case. he hasnt responded.. its been 3 week an still no response….just courious


  4. Aida Bon

    My Dear Liam,
    Before reading your answer I thought what a creep this man, but how stupid of this woman to even consider a lie detecting test. How far do women really go to please a man. She has a long way to go. I wish her knowledge.
    Love Aida Bon (The Netherlands)
    PS When can we expect your printed columns? You are amazing!!!!!


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