Sex Q&A: Be Friends With Your Husband’s Lover?

Is He Asking Too Much?

Jay from Houston, Texas asks:

About six months ago, my husband had an affair at work. The sex stopped with the other woman, but he still interacts with her because of the job, and she is also helping him with some of his personal business. He teaches an exercise class at work that she attends. He now wants me to be friends with her! I’ve met her but am very leery of inviting her into our lives! She’s lonely, and is having a hard time making her own way. I do have a heart and see that she needs friends, but I don’t like this third wheel. I’ve said no, and it hasn’t come up again. His affair hurt me, but ultimately made us closer. What do you think?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Jay, and thank you for sharing such a personal and painful situation. I feel your anger, bitterness and sense of betrayal in the biting undercurrent of your words. You’re trying ever-so-hard to be a trooper here. But do yourself a favor, and allow yourself a gram or two of pettiness every once in a while. Putting a cork in your agony and frustration will only work against the blessings of true catharsis through pain. So, get a little pissy if you feel like it. Get a whole lot pissy if you need to. Just always keep an open mind. Today I’m going to ask you to go a bit beyond your normal boundaries. It won’t be easy, but as I’ve delved into the chaos of your situation, I see hope for enrichment in what seems like a dismal set of circumstances.

First, and foremost, get the blinders off and stop being naive to what’s really going on between your husband and this woman. They’re in love, and they never stopped having sex. Hard as it is to hear, listen closely to the whisper of your own intuition. Look into your husband’s eyes and know the truth of the matter when he speaks about her. This woman has totally bewitched him using an archetypal vibration I’ve talked about a lot… The Little Girl Lost. She’s aloof. She’s alone. She’s vulnerable. She’s utterly mysterious and looks to him for help and support. Few men can resist such a charming mix, and your husband is hooked. Unfortunately for her, this archetype isn’t just a game. She really is very troubled. And your husband cares for her, not just as a knight in shining armor, but as a human being. However, this hasn’t changed the fact that he also loves you. Very much. Where in the world did we ever get the idea that a person can only be in love with one other person? We rob ourselves of such essence in life with our strange and limiting notions. The real problem is that he’s lying to you. I wish he wouldn’t, but he does because he doesn’t know any better. He hates to see you in pain. All of this is a torment to him. Utter torment.

And, as I see it, you have two choices: You can cling to your conventions and seek a divorce because it’s simply not your right to demand that your husband not love this woman. Or you can be the one to stand up and demand honesty out of everybody involved in this, yourself included. Get to the real meat and marrow of his feelings for this woman. Once that’s out in the open, I suggest you meet her once again. There’s something in you that’s curious about her; something about her that intrigues you just as it intrigues your spouse. Tell her up front that you’re very angry—with her, with your spouse, with all of it… but, that you won’t make her a rival. If she wants to see you that way, that’s her choice—but I don’t think she will. I believe that your brave stance will break her down and draw her out of her shell. I feel strongly that her play for your spouse is made out of a sense of extreme emotional isolation and alienation. She’s very unique and utterly misunderstood. As for you, there is more to you than society tells you, so why not try to understand her? Compassion often wins where force fails utterly. Marriage is a concept with many definitions, depending on culture, belief and morality. It doesn’t have to be smothering for anybody. Go forward with an open heart, because although that path isn’t for everyone, I really feel that by following Robert Frost’s “Road Less Travelled,” you’ll not only find clarity but healing as well. And more than that, you won’t have any regrets.


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10 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Be Friends With Your Husband’s Lover?

  1. Angelina

    I was in a similar situation. I found out that my husband was involved in an emotional affair. At first he didn’t see it as that. He insisted that they were just friends and that she was helping him with emotional issues. I was very angry because this behavior is totally out of character for him, the woman was someone from his past and it was kept secret. I couldnt eat nor sleep and was losing weight. I decided that there would only be closure by calling the “other woman”. I approached the conversation civilly. I told her who I was and told her that I knew about her relationship with my husband and how I felt. She was very honest, probably too honest. She told me that I had a good man (which I know), and that she understood where I was coming from and even apologized for causing so much conflict in our family. She said that she was helping him work through some emotional issues (this is what I was told she does for a living). She said that she didn’t want to be the reason for our break up and hoped that my husband and I could work things out. Presently, my husband says that they have not spoken since but expressed to me that he needs to speak to someone about unresolved issues. These unresolved issues have plagued him for his entire life. I did get a sense of things moving in the right direction at one point, but apparently it was because of his conversations with her. My husband is not a trusting person, so going to an actual therapist was never an option. I have come to realize that this “other woman” was his form of therapy. Their conversations have always been via phone, never in person. My question is – do I allow him to resume his relationship with this woman? Some will say I’m a fool because she’s a potential threat. But I see it as the ultimate sacrifice that will show him that I care about his well-being, that I am beginning to trust again (although gingerly). If any of this was to actually happen, I would definitely need to meet this woman and I will tell my husband that if he betrays my trust again, that we are done.

  2. Kimberlee Norton

    Very interesting advice, I like it. Liam. I do like very much how you combine your psychic intuition with your practicality, spirituality, and a keen eye for details that your writer mentions in her question. I agree that she should befriend this little poor waif, it is compassion that will bring her husband back to her.

  3. Lynn

    Being in a 12+ year affair with a married woman, from the start I wanted the Mr. to know of my presence. After we talked about it and after week 4-5 into the affair ( having still no sexual intimacy ) with her, he was told. After 12+ years, he and I have had conversations ( he even called with matters about suicide, having knowledge of my fathers at 12 he contacted me about his brothers suicide seeking answers. ) What I’m saying is there’s always a different way God passes on his passion that we having “blinders on”, we can’t or don’t want to see or accept. In short, Liam’s right. Go forth, seeking answers. Once you get all the cards on the table, asking wisdom. The answer will show it’s self. Not everyone will be happy. You may not like the answer or even move on it. But. if your honest and your only seeking LOVE and peace for everyone’s life. You’ll see the truth in it. Also…
    A pause for thought…. Is it possible that this ” husband “, isn’t looking for a 3-way or something even more to “his liking”? Hope all three get what they deserve…
    Happy Thanksgiving to all

  4. willowcat

    Hubby is on the way out the door. It doesn’t matter the status of the marriage or what she does to “save” it. It will be easier on the woman in questin if she is gracious and friendly to the other woman but it won’t save her “marriage.” If she is spiteful and tries to drive the other woman away by demanding her “rights”, it may put a divorce temporarily on hold but this strategy won’t work in the long run and will eventually work to her disadvantage. Liam is setting the stage for the graceful transition of the relationship between the married couple into something else, that’s all.

  5. Reed x 5105Reed x5105

    As a professional psychic, I operate completely outside of societal norms. Some people and things must do so.
    When it comes to love – real, dynamic, passionate, messy, existential love – well, love is a higher power unto itself and we have no business trying to force it into a box, force it to conform to preconceived notions, or to regulate it through law.
    I hope that the person who Liam wrote of will follow his advice. While it wouldn’t be possible for everyone to do so, each situation, person, and love, is different.

    Reed x5105

  6. Ann

    With the “outlet” of cheating, this wife should understand that she cannot compete with that intrigue. Best thing? Get out! He’ll continue to cheat, knowing the wife will put up with it. He can “schmooz” the wife, and continue cheating. With anyone that looks “Mysterious” and intriguing. My husband cheated for years. I finally divorced him and spent 20 years with a wonderful man, that I never worried would cheat on me. It wouldn’t have happened had I not left the cheater. On his death bed, the cheater told me he always loved me. All I said was “I know”! However, it wasn’t enough to stop cheating, and I have no regrets about leaving him and spending the next 20 years, safe, protected and truly loved.

  7. Theisa Cabo


    I usually disagree with you and in this case In REALLY do. It is her right to demand that her husband not be involved with this other woman. HE has a choice here. He can love and HONOR his wife or she can leave him and seek that honor with someone who is worthy.

    She is being cuckolded here and befriending that other woman who clearly doesn’t care that she is destroying a relationship is just wrong, in all sorts of ways.

    You call it “conventions” but there is a reason for them. We, as a species, need that one person, relationship, that is wholly ours and a spouse is supposed to be that.

  8. louise uk

    Interesting……….I was once in a similar situation. My husband fell for another woman..lied to her, lied to me. She wanted to meet me. I agreed, a mutual friend arranged the meeting. We met…we both ditched him.

    It can be tough being a single mother as I was, but at least it was an adventure and I developed my strength and independence. These qualities seem to be unattractive to men according to Liam. but what I’ve noticed is that the truely vulnerable little girl lost seems to attract the controlling type of man who can often turn into a bully. A weak man who needs a weaker woman….anyone else agree?


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