Sex Q&A: Are You Good in Bed?

Payton from Jackson, Michigan asks:

I married my first and only sexual partner, so I really don’t have any experience. He has had many, and I feel like I’m not good in bed. Also, he wants to bring another woman in the bedroom to join us as an experience for the both of us. I don’t know what to think. I want to try new things, but I’m afraid of what that can do to our relationship. I don’t want to be wondering if the other person was better than me. What should I do?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Payton, and thank you for writing. I was so impressed with the honest, emotional candor of your inquiry, and I congratulate you on being very realistic about the fears and frustrations you have regarding your relationship. You seem to know yourself quite well, and that’s important. But it is even more important to understand that perception as a malleable and flexible thing. Much of what we think of as our “selves” is a matter of conditioning, and often the thoughts we claim aren’t really our own thoughts at all. They belong to our families, our religions, our lovers. This is normal. It‘s natural. But it’s important to know where the influences that create your self-perception come from and why. In any case, I am very happy to help you with this dilemma, because the answer is, in fact, fairly simple.

First, let’s deal with the matter of your sexual experience. Somewhere in our culture we seem to have gotten the very mistaken impression that quantity trumps quality. Just as we fool ourselves into thinking a lot of bad food is better than a little good food, so we assume that a person who sleeps with many partners must automatically be well versed in the ways of amore. This is a big fat lie. The thing is, sex is a lot like dancing… And some people are just great dancers. Some are born to it, and then there are those who learn it from another talented soul. Ginger Rogers was at her very best with Fred Astaire. He brought out the best in her. And so it is with sex.

When I look at this situation, it seems to me, you were the one who was “born to it.” Your husband, not so much. For all his so-called experience, he’s a selfish lover. He likes the idea that you were a virgin before him. He enjoys regaling you with tales of his adventures. Now, anyone who reads my answers here knows I always advocate adventure and expansion in the bedroom. I applaud couples who want to include other partners, and I never advocate fear as an excuse for not having such an experience. However, pushing through conditioning and fear to something you want is one thing. Not wanting that thing in the first place is quite another. You aren’t sexually attracted to other women. This menage a trois isn’t your idea. It isn’t even something you’ve ever fantasized about. For something like this to work, both partners have to be eager and willing. They have to be on a level playing field. Your husband has you at a distinct disadvantage, and he knows it. This isn’t being suggested so that you both can have pleasure. He just wants to have two women in bed, so he can get himself an ego fix. And I’m telling you right now, if you let him force you to do what you don’t really want to do, the whole thing will be an unmitigated disaster.

So here’s what you do. Go to tell your selfish fella that you’ve been thinking over the idea of a threesome, and you’re willing to try it with one very serious condition. You’re willing to be with him and another woman if, by way of fairness, you can first be with him and another man. You get to pick the other man. Indeed, you currently have some preferences in mind. Be sure to inform him that this has been a fantasy of yours for some time. I have a feeling he won’t be so keen on the idea after that. This fantasy is only about him. He wants to be the sultan, the rooster, the bull of the woods. You’re just a hand maiden in the background.

There’s nothing wrong with you, Payton. There never has been. You’re every bit as sexy as any other woman. Your husband is the one who needs the adjustment. If he had been a good teacher, a lover who actually knew what he was doing, you wouldn’t feel insecure. You’d be proud of yourself, of your flesh and soul as a woman. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can do about him. I urge you to look to your own growth. Your own explorations. That search might just bring you a better sensual fit… someone with a gentle manner to match your own. A lover who will allow that Goddess inside you to really sing and soar.


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12 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Are You Good in Bed?

  1. morganlefe

    I have been in this situation. My partner is a swinger of many years experience. I am not – I have always been monogamous. He kept telling me that all women are bisexual and that I should try sex with a woman. Well to please him I did and I did not enjoy it one little bit and so I said not again. He still keeps being insistent that I should ‘go with a woman’ cos it ‘turns him on’. He also wants me to be with other men which, quite frankly, bores me to tears as I have to ‘play act’ I am enjoying it. He tells me I am excellent in bed so I cannot understand why he would want to see me with others. So I can very much see where Payton is coming from and how much it hurts when your partner wants to fulfil their fantasy at the expense of your own.

  2. rafiki

    Hey Liam, Hey Payton,

    The question’s candid and the answer accurate psychologically speaking as well as psychically. The scenario’s a common male fantasy, especially in the context of expecting no equal reciprocation, it’s about his needing power over you and has nothing to do with your sexyness, which I agree with Liam has probably always been naturally there.

    Keep talking to your man but don’t let him railroad you or feel anxious about meeting his needs without reference to your own. A little kinky explorations fine so long as its not forced and always mutually inspired. Healthy sexual and interpersonal relationships are not coersive but co-exploritory, they make you smile and feel sexy and empowered; primarily as an individual but also in terms of your confidence as a couple. They do not make you feel vulnerable or cheapned. If you find that you regularly feel pressed into doing things you don’t feel comfortable with than get a counsellor to independently support your thought processes regarding these issues and feelings with you, please don’t ever lapse into unhealthy co-dependancy

    May both your lives be blessed. R xx

  3. Rhonda Combs Shannon

    I agree with what you wrote Liam, regarding much of our own fears come from the past. So true that even if she decided to experience this with her husband she needs to decide if this is what she wants. If a situation isn’t going to make you feel any better, don’t do it. If you want it and have fantasized about certain situations. Then allow it. I love reading your answers to people’s questions. You always seem to put it into a good persepctive. It’s truth. With boundaries.

  4. elle


    I highly value your precious insights and the inspiration you deliver in all your posts, but here you amazed me even more. You showed that you do not only follow a certain line of thought and stick to it; you showed that you really listen and give advice accordingly, even if it is different from what you usually suggest. I highly appreciate that, because it makes me feel at ease with myself, after wondering if my perhaps traditional desires are not in line with the modern times or with nature.
    Your agility and way with words has an amazing effect on me, something like a wave of psychedelic feelings. I feel empowered, inspired, understood, and excited upon realization of my unexplored potential and power as a woman.

    Thank you for touching our lives in the most beautiful ways.

  5. Tamara Nicholas

    Don’t do it if it doesn’t feel right. Men are all about ego and pride. They do not connect with emotions unless they are taught (some do but they are hard to find if they are heterosexual). If you ever come across one like that who you click with. Do not ever let that relationship fail. You will regret it for the rest of your life.

  6. asiax5486

    Truly very well stated Liam!! This shall help put his ego in check!! I feel that will be a very hard pill to swallow!! Many Blessings Asia x 5486 🙂

  7. parrothall

    Excellent answer. And one which I think more women need to hear in response to the same predicament. Only when there is mutual respect can a threesome work. But unfortunately in this day and age women very rarely respect themselves and therefore get themselves into a situation only to please a man, which will never gain you respect. Personally, I need respect from a man before I will commit to anything. And if he can’t give that to me then he gets none of me.

    But women are not taught to respect themselves anymore. They are only taught to sell their sex. Which only leads to a spiraling downward into lack of self esteem and self confidence which no amount of male attention will cure. Women’s power may lie in their sexuality but flaunting it the way this society demands is not the way to use the power.


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