Payton from Jackson, Michigan asks:
I married my first and only sexual partner, so I really don’t have any experience. He has had many, and I feel like I’m not good in bed. Also, he wants to bring another woman in the bedroom to join us as an experience for the both of us. I don’t know what to think. I want to try new things, but I’m afraid of what that can do to our relationship. I don’t want to be wondering if the other person was better than me. What should I do?
Greetings, Payton, and thank you for writing. I was so impressed with the honest, emotional candor of your inquiry, and I congratulate you on being very realistic about the fears and frustrations you have regarding your relationship. You seem to know yourself quite well, and that’s important. But it is even more important to understand that perception as a malleable and flexible thing. Much of what we think of as our “selves” is a matter of conditioning, and often the thoughts we claim aren’t really our own thoughts at all. They belong to our families, our religions, our lovers. This is normal. It‘s natural. But it’s important to know where the influences that create your self-perception come from and why. In any case, I am very happy to help you with this dilemma, because the answer is, in fact, fairly simple.
First, let’s deal with the matter of your sexual experience. Somewhere in our culture we seem to have gotten the very mistaken impression that quantity trumps quality. Just as we fool ourselves into thinking a lot of bad food is better than a little good food, so we assume that a person who sleeps with many partners must automatically be well versed in the ways of amore. This is a big fat lie. The thing is, sex is a lot like dancing… And some people are just great dancers. Some are born to it, and then there are those who learn it from another talented soul. Ginger Rogers was at her very best with Fred Astaire. He brought out the best in her. And so it is with sex.
When I look at this situation, it seems to me, you were the one who was “born to it.” Your husband, not so much. For all his so-called experience, he’s a selfish lover. He likes the idea that you were a virgin before him. He enjoys regaling you with tales of his adventures. Now, anyone who reads my answers here knows I always advocate adventure and expansion in the bedroom. I applaud couples who want to include other partners, and I never advocate fear as an excuse for not having such an experience. However, pushing through conditioning and fear to something you want is one thing. Not wanting that thing in the first place is quite another. You aren’t sexually attracted to other women. This menage a trois isn’t your idea. It isn’t even something you’ve ever fantasized about. For something like this to work, both partners have to be eager and willing. They have to be on a level playing field. Your husband has you at a distinct disadvantage, and he knows it. This isn’t being suggested so that you both can have pleasure. He just wants to have two women in bed, so he can get himself an ego fix. And I’m telling you right now, if you let him force you to do what you don’t really want to do, the whole thing will be an unmitigated disaster.
So here’s what you do. Go to tell your selfish fella that you’ve been thinking over the idea of a threesome, and you’re willing to try it with one very serious condition. You’re willing to be with him and another woman if, by way of fairness, you can first be with him and another man. You get to pick the other man. Indeed, you currently have some preferences in mind. Be sure to inform him that this has been a fantasy of yours for some time. I have a feeling he won’t be so keen on the idea after that. This fantasy is only about him. He wants to be the sultan, the rooster, the bull of the woods. You’re just a hand maiden in the background.
There’s nothing wrong with you, Payton. There never has been. You’re every bit as sexy as any other woman. Your husband is the one who needs the adjustment. If he had been a good teacher, a lover who actually knew what he was doing, you wouldn’t feel insecure. You’d be proud of yourself, of your flesh and soul as a woman. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can do about him. I urge you to look to your own growth. Your own explorations. That search might just bring you a better sensual fit… someone with a gentle manner to match your own. A lover who will allow that Goddess inside you to really sing and soar.
Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.