Sex Q&A: Addiction Issues

Kori writes:

I know you’re not supposed to do this but, within four hours of reuniting with an ex-boyfriend after 15 and a half years, we talked & then had crazy fun sex. We maintained phone contact for a year & finally saw each other once again. He made me dinner, we talked and had some more crazy sex. Then five months later, the same thing, but it was different. Finally, about a month ago, (eight months since our last encounter) we actually went out on a date, followed by real conversation and not as much sex. We have also been in contact regularly since. Unfortunately, he just checked into rehab. I feel like we finally made it from friends with benefits to something real and now a new hurdle. I don’t know how this will change our relationship. Will we make it through as friends or something else?

Thank you, Kori, for sharing this most interesting tale.

Personally, I think it’s a wonderful thing that you and your lover found each other in such a sensual fashion after such a long separation. It speaks well of the passion between you, which is the most important foundation of any long term relationship. Many good things can be made and built between two people, but sexual chemistry is a fundamental that either exists or doesn’t. Those fun, hot interludes when you were following your body’s dictates rewarded you well with pleasure, comfort, and unfortunately more than a bit of confusion. But confusion is something we can handle. I see this evolution, I feel this energy movement, and I have faith in the process at hand.

Your bodies are aligned with nature, and they know what to do. However, it seems there are other factors and components of self that seem to lag a bit behind …Your fellow is a good soul … He’s strong but he’s nervous. Like yourself, he finds himself in a strange place and time with this relationship. When you first came together, everything was for the moment. But afterward, his true feelings for you, some of which were buried very deeply for many years, rushed forth, and nearly crippled him with their intensity. I sense something similar happened to you.

This man is in love with you. .I hope you do understand that. Early on, he really wasn’t capable of being in a ‘relationship’ with you. You knew this, and you were very wise. You never pushed. You let him find his own way and time. And now you can see what is happening. He wants a relationship with you. What’s more, the time and space you allotted have helped him understand other things about himself like things he wants to change — so he can be a better partner for you — and a better person for himself.

Believe me, no one gets sober for another person. That will always lead to failure. But sometimes there are special people or special relationships which encourage us to get well when problems abound. Addiction is a very slippery illness, and not to be taken lightly. Such battles are lifelong, so here is my recommendation. I know that he loves you, but he will not demand you hang around while he gets well. Good relationships are not for the weak willed. They take work and sacrifice.

If you love this man, then you have a very important decision to make. And the road will not be an easy one to travel. Study up on addiction. Read AA’s Big Blue Book and go to some Al-Anon meetings. Talk to people already on that path. Don’t jump into anything, but do some homework. If you stay in this relationship it won’t be a light matter. He cannot ask you for so much, but he does want you beside him. His time in rehab is important for your relationship, so please stop looking at it as a hindrance. Embrace it as blessing. This is a relationship in the making. If it’s too tough for you, then right now is the time to get out. But, if it’s something you want to fight for, there’s no time like the present to start.

Good luck,

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