Sex Q&A: The First Step to a Great Relationship

Are You Headed for the Best Relationship Possible?

Melanie from Kenmare asks:

Hi Liam,

Thanks for reading. I really need your spiritual insight into a very complex internal struggle I am having. After coming out of yet another emotionally abusive relationship with a man, I’m finding it very hard to understand why this keeps happening. I am a strong and positive woman who loves life most of the time and tries to make the best of everything. I just can’t understand why my relationships with men usually end in disaster. They always say they respect me and love me like no one else, but then things seem to take a turn for the worst and I end up feeling like a prisoner of their often-possessive love. Or once they get what they want from me, I am left for someone else. This leaves me feeling used and resentful. I do not want to become one of those man-hating women but I am in such turmoil and am finding it increasingly difficult to think of them in a good light anymore, especially as this is the pattern I am experiencing.

Another pattern I’ve noticed is that there is usually another girl (usually an ex) who is still on the scene, even when it is obviously over. These women always have a problem with me also and cause a never-ending amount of trouble. I know it is something inside of me that needs to change but I really need some guidance as to what that may be as I can’t keep giving my heart to someone who is just going to crush it. I also don’t want to keep it locked away forever. I really hope you can give me some of your wonderful advice as you seem to have an uncanny insight into these things. Thanks so much.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Melanie. I sense in your narrative a sincere desire for understanding, as well as an ability to digest elements of introspective truth without too much discomfort. Indeed, it seems you’ve been putting yourself through the proverbial grinder, in an emotional sense, for a while now. Hopefully together we can alter your view a bit and bend your perception to allow greater insight.

First of all, you’re making too much of a priority out of finding and having a “relationship.” Relationships are about knowing someone and mating with them if all goes well. The key to understanding the complexities of that endeavor is accepting the very rudimentary fact that relationships are composed of people. I know it sounds simple, but we live in a culture infused with the notion that relationships are somehow special—magickal entities that make all our dreams come true. They also make all our fears and insecurities disappear and cement our place as lovable and deserving members of society. They cure loneliness and depression and give meaning to our otherwise meaningless existences as well. At least that’s what Hollywood wants you to think. The truth is, humans seek out other humans and unless you’re into really experiencing and accepting people for who, what and how they truly are, you’re pretty much screwed in the ol’ relationship department. This is because people are not perfect and no amount of wanting or demanding will make them perfect.

The people who are really good at the whole relationship thing are people who really like other people. They’re people who can be genuine in that involvement. And they are people who don’t attach labels to everything and everyone all the time. It needs to be about experience—about getting to know another human without any expectation besides the moment. That’s the first step and it applies to all encounters, romantic or otherwise.

I suspect that when you’re out and about, meeting men in whatever way you meet them, you’re carrying with you an ardent list of needs and must-haves in your head. One of those wonderful lists the best sellers (usually written by people who can’t keep a relationship of their own) tell you to keep so you can size up a potential mate. Now, maybe you haven’t gone quite that far. But I do feel an expectation factor in your case which might have you coupling with men that meet certain social criteria while completely failing in the category of character and personality. No offense but the men you describe seem to be the fundamental dependent-oriented dullards that are all too common nowadays.

I think you need to step out of your safety zone and try meeting men who don’t have just this right education, or just that sort of income. All that should matter is that they interest you as people. That should be your only criteria but most women fail miserably to get this. My advice is go out right now and ask three of your girlfriends what sort of man they think you should date based on looks, background, interests and income and then go out and intentionally meet men that are exactly the opposite of what they say is good for you.

The biggest problem is that you over think everything. Relationships and love have become just another job to you—one you’re really beginning to despise. And if that’s how you feel, you’re never going to make the process work. Every day is a chance to meet someone who might just be that lifetime commitment waiting to happen. Everyone has their own private world of pain and fear and suffering and joy and pleasure and beauty. Go out and explore some of those worlds just for the sake of exploring them. When you drop all the bull, you’d be surprised how quickly things start to happen. I think you really want to find an authentic man, but you aren’t being authentic yourself. You want to be loved a whole lot more than you want to love someone. And when you do it that way, you fail every time.


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8 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: The First Step to a Great Relationship

  1. Aida Bon

    Liam, as always your insight is mind blowing. My goody bag is almost filled so I can call you one of these days. Not with a question but for fun. You are an amazing person. I am sure you have the happiest wife in the counrty…………..
    Greetings Aida Bon (The Netherlands)

  2. Kristen

    You my friend are brillant. I would love to just sit and chat with you everyday. You give incrediable insight into such complex relationship issues. This article was what so many of us women needed to hear but yet won’t admit. You’ve given me new found hope that I may one day have a healthy relationship because it is possible. This has been an extremely profound weekend and I have opened my heart in new way.

    God Bless,
    Kristen C.

  3. T-Dub

    Bellissimo! So wrought with incredible insight: “…unless you’re into really experiencing and accepting people for who, what and how they truly are, you’re pretty much screwed in the ol’ relationship department…It needs to be about experience—about getting to know another human without any expectation besides the moment.” Two of the pearls I shall take away from this great read and try to maintain at the forefront of my awareness henceforth. Cheers mate, you’re a real gem!

  4. Mary

    Wow this is great! this puts into perspective my relationship, I have been dating a man for a little more than a year now and I thought that the things we are going through only happens to me but now I see that this is just life. He is caring and loving but has a box full of pain, fears, short comings and joy.

    After reading your article I will appreciate this human being even more because I see your point, he is real life. Thank you it also gives me a perspective into my own box of short comings, fears, pain and life in general. Have always been in a state of the blue charming prince.

  5. cheryl giesy

    I could be Melanie’s double. This is great advice for all relationships, friends, family, and romantic. Be yourself and let others do the same, Accept people for who they are and just relax…..

    Love your column!

  6. janette

    Hi Liem,
    I am in the same boat as Melanie and everything you said I have done in the past, but I other problem I have is that once a man get to know me they get scared away because of who I am. I am told I am not real because of who I am , I guess they have a certain expectation of how a woman should be or the type of relation they have had in the past with other woman yelling and screaming at them, on the other had I am a communicator and I rarerly argue. I am not your average woman and When I am on a relationship I find that a man can’t handle the emotional connection I have to offer, I take it to the other level where they have to be true to themselves and that scares them. They want to love but scared so they rather do it from afar.

  7. Melanie

    Wow, thank you so much Liam! I really appreciate your candid response, there were quite a few nail on head moments there for me. I was very surprised to see my post and delighted that you took the time to answer. You have given me a lot to think about, (but no overly so!) Thank you so much for helping me understand the situation better and to see it in clearer light. Bless you! x

  8. moi

    Liam, thanks for always reminding me of what i know, and try to remember truly rock ! Love your column..


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