Kathleen in Kingston writes:
Should I return to my ex? Mark and I were together for 13 years. The everday life got boring and I found excitement one night by kissing a woman. He saw that kiss and asked me to leave. Then he started dating one of my friends, and she moved in and was with him for 5 years. He has since split up with her and we’ve been having an every third Thursday get together.
The passion is still there, but I’m scared it won’t be like it used to be, when we were happy. I don’t feel the “need” to be with him every day, because I got used to being without him. He has asked me to marry him and he is basically telling me to hurry and make up my mind so we can work on our life together again – or so he can move on with his life without me. Do I need to let him go or do we try again? His birthday is May 15, 1956 and mine is February 26, 1963.
It looks like you have some soul-searching to do, but not a whole lot of time in which to do it! Mark is at that place where he really does want to be committed, and build a life with someone. His first choice is you. Your hesitations are increasing his insecurity. Even though his intent isn’t to push you into something you don’t want or aren’t ready to commit to, his patience is wearing thin.
You pretty much know what you have with Mark, and what you’d be getting into if you chose to build a life with him. While the two of you can be happy together, it doesn’t look like this relationship holds the excitement and interest for you that it once did. You just don’t love him the same way you did in the past. Many things have changed, including you.
In order to buy some time, and to get things out in the open, I seriously hope that the two of you will consider couples counseling. You both really need to start laying your cards on the table, which will help you decide if you want to go your own way or more fully come together. Because of your history, and the pressure Mark is putting on you to make up your mind regarding marriage, things are just moving too quickly.
As it stands, it looks as if you are more likely to let him go before you would rush into a marriage situation. At least if the two of you were in counseling, you would be able to really get to the heart of what you do and don’t want out of a relationship with this man.
The potential for a long-term commitment with Mark shines brightly, but it would only be a happy and successful relationship if this is something each of you is working toward. If you “give in” now, you will end up cutting him loose before things get legal.