Red Responds: Is He a Sex Addict?

Mary from San Ramon, writes:

Is my boyfriend a sex addict? Specifically, is he addicted to the most disturbing kind of sex out there? I have written logs of all my readings for our relationship and I can see that I was not mistaken in believing that he loves me. I can also see a trail of events pointing to this and just now I am understanding the meaning of all of it. Is this what keeps us from fully and completely bonding, falling in love, and moving forward? Every time we achieve intimacy, he sabotages it. I am so confused and perplexed as to what to do. My brain says walk away, my heart screams noooooo! I know he needs to heal and do work on himself. The question is will he? What he is doing now is really bad for himself and the health of our relationship. It seems he cannot let go of the self punishment and self shaming and I cannot let go of the love we have experienced together. I have prayed and prayed that the angels help us and I feel they aren’t. He’s a good man who has been viciously hurt and so has many distorted views about life, relationships, sexuality. I don’t know what to do. Help!?

Dear Mary,

Your boyfriend certainly does present as one who has some seriously destructive behavioral patterns. His sexual escapades and need for porn are manifestations of deeper issues. He truly is lost inside of himself.

Here’s the hard part: Your boyfriend isn’t ready to get help. I’m not saying that he doesn’t recognize that he has some issues he needs to work through, because he does see that. He just doesn’t know how, and isn’t at a place where he would fully utilize therapy. He’s not ready to be that honest or vulnerable. It’s going to be a while before he is truly ready to do the work necessary to deal with his core issue problems.

Every prayer ultimately brings an answer, but even the Angels have to hearing you or helping. Sometimes a lot of time must pass before you can see the results.

Love isn’t the problem with your relationship. You guys do love each other. There’s only so much you can do, though. It’s going to be several years, with therapy, before your boyfriend will be able to offer you a healthy and balanced relationship. He does things, typically the wrong things, to keep a wedge between the two of you. In his own way, he is trying to protect you by giving you reasons to run.

I’m seeing a long, hard and painful road ahead for the two of you. You may want to talk with a doctor or psychologist about your boyfriend’s behavior. Having a deeper understanding from a clinical point of view will shed some light on what you can expect regarding your boyfriend’s imbalances. Getting more information from a professional may help you to decide if you should listen to your head or your heart.

I hope this helps
Brightest Blessings,


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