Red Responds: He’s Married

Rebecca Scotand from Amsterdam writes;

About two years ago I met the love of my life. It felt like we had an instant connection and we very quickly became friends. We were both involved when we met, my relationship has since ended and my friend and I started dating even though he is still married. We didn’t intend on being anything more then friends but for some reason everything between us has just felt right, like it was supposed to happen. His relationship with his wife is rocky at best and he tells me all the time he wants us to live together and he wants us to get married. I really fell head over heals in love with him and for the first time in my life could actually picture spending the rest of my life with someone. I know we make each other very happy and I believe we both really do want that but I sometimes have doubts that it’s actually going to happen. Is he the one I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life or am I just fooling myself?

Dear Rebecca,

I can’t say that you are fooling yourself, because there is a very real love and deep compatibility that shows between you and this man. But, I do have to warn you that some “happy endings” can be very slow in coming.

Most people don’t set out to fall in love with someone who is technically unavailable, but it happens. The real challenge in these types of relationships is being able to endure all of the restrictions and heartache that comes with being involved with someone who is married.

Your boyfriend loves you, and does want to be with you. He is being truthful when he shares his daydreams about being married and growing old with you. While he will eventually find the strength to break away from his wife — it’s looking like it is going to be quite a long wait. Based on this moment in time, it looks as if it could be years before he is ready to take control of his life and his family situation. There is a possibility that things could turn, and he could find the gumption to make things happen a lot more quickly. But, from what I’m seeing, I’d rather you be prepared for the “worst case scenario”, and hope for the best.

Whether it’s in eight years or eight months, your boyfriend isn’t going to make any changes until it feels “right” to him. It’s not a lack of love, or a lack of desire to be with you that is complicating things. It’s more along the lines of what he wants and what he’s willing to do to have it are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

The love you share is very strong, but there is reason that your niggling sense of doubt keeps creeping in. He’s not entirely uncomfortable keeping things going on as they have been. All you can do is tell him how you feel, but the decision to bring an end to his marriage is entirely up to him.

Brightest Blessings,


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