Red Responds: Old Love Reappears

Ann in Leicester writes:

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for eight months now – we get on extremely well and are planning to move in together. However, about four months into the relationship his ex contacted him – he says they are over and his future is with me. He is very attentive and I spend every weekend with him and a couple of evenings during the week. I just get a bit of a niggle that it’s not quite over and don’t know how to deal with it. Is it my insecurity?

Dear Ann,

It can be challenging to be completely trusting when an old lover reappears, and issues of insecurity are bound to pop up.

Your boyfriend is sincere when he tells you that he believes his future is with you. Even though he still talks with this other woman from time to time, he is not trying to re-create anything romantically with her. Their shared history is a bit turbulent, but they somehow have managed to keep positive feelings toward each other, which has created a level of friendship. So while this may not be the most comfortable scenario from your position, he is being honest with you regarding how he feels.

It is going to be difficult for you to get the level of reassurance from him that would put your mind at ease. Even though he is focused on the future the two of you are building, he is also very reluctant to completely remove his ex from your world. This is the source of your insecurities, because we all want someone who will love us and put us above all others.

Even though it is challenging to express your concerns and feelings about his old relationship and its impact on your shared relationship, you need to be honest about your fears. This can be a fairly touchy topic between the two of you, but left unaddressed, your suspicions and insecurities are more likely to grow than fade. You must be mindful in your presentation of your concerns not to come across as too insecure or untrusting. That would only cause your man to become frustrated, and he will fail to clarify things in a manner that helps to put your mind at ease. This is as much about gaining a deeper understanding of your man as it is about learning how the two of you communicate, and give and receive the loving support each of you need.

Your boyfriend honestly isn’t betraying you in any form with his ex, but your instincts are alerting you to be cautious with how you handle this relationship and your future. You need to pay attention to that. While your relationship is presenting as pretty honest and strong, your intuition is guiding you to test and deepen the bonds you have created to ensure that you will receive the level of love and support from this man that you desire and deserve. Talking through a problem, particularly an emotional one, can cause a rift or strengthen a union. You intuitively want to test your man and relationship before you take the huge step of living together. This may be scary, but it is also wise.

I can tell you all day long that there is great potential with this relationship, and that you have found a decent and honorable man – but the reassurances I can offer you mean far less than the reassurance you can gain by talking with him.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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