Red Responds: More Guarded Now

Chandan in London writes:

I’m dating this guy, we are good friends, love spending time together and have fun. But we both don’t see this going anywhere and we don’t want a relationship out of this. I think this is because I’m more guarded now with guys. I was seeing this guy last year and I really liked him, I truly felt connected to him and he was someone I saw myself getting into a relationship with but he felt he wasn’t ready and I was fine with taking things slower.

We carried on seeing each other but then he just backed off and stopped all contact with me without giving me any reason. I didn’t contact him and then I find out from a mutual friend that he is going out with someone else. So he told me he didn’t want a relationship yet went off with someone else. It didn’t last long and they broke up after a month but he moved on to someone else after that. Before him there was another guy who basically said he wasn’t ready for a relationship as he had no job and no money but I just found out he got engaged recently and he still doesn’t have a job. So basically is it just me that’s the problem? Do guys think I’m okay for a bit of fun but not good enough to be in a relationship?

Dear Chandan,

If you are doing something that is causing the men in your life to seek out other women for a relationship, I’m not seeing it. It more or less looks as if you just haven’t met the right man, yet.
You seem to be able to attract and connect with a variety of guys, rather than pinpointing a specific “type.” While the men who have come (and gone) have enjoyed their time with you, I’m not getting the sense that you have allowed yourself to be used by them, but you can reach a little far when trying to please and accommodate them. Sometimes, you come across as being just too nice.

While you would think that some extra effort and understanding would be appreciated, sometimes it is those very traits that remove a little bit of the thrill of the pre-relationship process. It’s good that you are willing to compromise, but don’t be afraid to more clearly express what you want!

Just because two people get along well and have a bit of chemistry doesn’t always mean that both parties are ready to take the relationship to the next level. The men from your past may not have wanted, or been prepared to take on the responsibility of a more committed relationship when they were seeing you, but that isn’t a reflection of you. It is just their path. I know it can feel a bit like you are the one preparing these guys for the next woman, the one they will commit to, but there is some woman out there who will be having those same thoughts when “her” guy moves on and commits to you.

Some people have many committed relationships during their lifetimes, and others only have a few. You fall into the latter category. While you will date and enjoy the company and attention of several guys, I’m really only seeing two committed relationships for you in this lifetime. Both of these relationships do result in marriage, so you will be experiencing the ultimate levels of commitment.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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