Johanna in Montreal writes:
I have been in a relationship with a man since 1997. I love him very much and even though I have tried to leave him many times because our relationship does not fit my idea of how a relationship should be, I remain hoping things will progress. He says he loves me and I need to be patient, but he has not said what I am waiting for. He is rather evasive about his goals for us. Am I wasting my life waiting for something that might never be?
Your boyfriend is content with this relationship as it is, and doesn’t see the need for things to change. Talking to him about how you want things to evolve doesn’t seem to motivate him. He rather takes for granted that you will continue to be there, impatiently waiting.
I can’t say that you are wasting your life, because you do love him and want to be with him. However, unless you take a much stronger position, your man isn’t going to conform to your desires of his own free will. He loves you and wants to be with you, but he likes things as they are. He sees no reason to change anything at this point, because the situation works for him.
I know this is frustrating and painful for you, but you don’t seem ready to throw in the towel just yet. However, if you are sincere in wanting this relationship to evolve into something that is more in line with your ideals, then you have to prepare yourself to push the boundaries. It’s risky and scary, and most certainly not a game, but it is only when you are prepared to move on without him that your man steps up to the plate.
As long as he knows he’s got you, (and he does) there is nothing for him to chase. Ultimatums aren’t going to work – but when you give into your tiredness and frustration and pull away, he’ll be hot on your heels to get you to stay.
For now, it looks as if things are going to go on the way they have been. It isn’t until August of 2009 that you find strength enough to leave, and by the end of September, you will see the progress you have been waiting for. I do believe I hear wedding bells…