Red Responds: She’s Tired of Not Being Happy

Heather in San Diego writes:

I am married with two children. I don’t “think” I am in love with my husband anymore. About a year ago I got back in contact with my ex-boyfriend. He was my first. My first everything. Love, sexual partner, etc. We have seen each other once a month or every other month for the past year. He is the one that is always on my mind. He is the one that I get excited to see or talk to. Am I in the right relationship right now? Am I meant to be with my current husband, or my ex-fling (love)? I am scared to do anything because I do have two kids with my husband, but I am tired of not being happy!

Dear Heather,

Even though you no longer are head-over-heals in love with your husband, I don’t see you making any life-changing moves in the near future. Even though you recognize that you aren’t happy, you seem to be willing to keep things as they are for a while longer, for the sake of your family.

Your first love brings an element of excitement to your life. You do have very strong feelings for him, but he isn’t necessarily the answer to your unhappiness. The relationship you have with him now does give you something to look forward to, and your thoughts of him offer a bit of an escape. Even though there is history and a strong attachment that runs both ways, he isn’t prepared to assume responsibility for you and your children. The way things are seems to be beneficial to both of you, particularly because of each of your circumstances.

You were meant to be with the husband you have, largely for the children you have. Life led you to him, and you chose to go with it. But – time, kids and all the other things of daily life have stressed and altered the relationship you had with your husband. Eventually, your marriage will run its course and come to an end, unless you and your husband change the path you are currently on.

Your marriage is only part of your unhappiness. There is a restlessness deep in you that you aren’t sure what to do about. Changing lovers or husbands may quiet that restlessness for a while, but unless you address it, even your first love won’t be able to endlessly fill you with joy. You need to do some soul searching, and learn how to honor yourself if you really want to be happy.

Your first love will always be your first, but be mindful of the decisions you make, because he does not present as your last. So, even if you choose to fully be with him, he is only part of your journey – not the prize at the end of the path.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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