Red Responds: Can He Be the Man He Says He Wants to Be?

Kim in Terre Haute writes:

My boyfriend and I broke up two months ago after two and a half years. We went through a lot together, he was into drugs and never had been in a solid relationship before. He changed for all of us and he became an officer – we got our own place together, we were the perfect couple. We never fought, then he went home to see family and when he came back he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I can’t believe that because when we saw each other after that all he did was cry. I think he is afraid of commitment but I don’t know. Just recently we started talking again. Do you think he can be the man he says he wants to be and come back to me?

Dear Kim,

People are capable of incredible things, especially when they have someone who can understand and support them – even when it hurts. You did that for him. Unfortunately, it often takes a great deal of time for a person to become mentally and emotionally balanced with their victories.

It seems as if your boyfriend’s trip back home was an emotional experience for him, and his past and present collided. Now, he is trying to stand truly on his own two feet, and figure out if he can live up to everyone’s expectations in this life.

Your man does fear commitment, but he fears his own deeper emotions more. This is what he is currently struggling with, and you have to let him figure it out. While it is good that there is communication between the two of you, please don’t get your hopes up just yet. I don’t see any deeper level reunions until late November or early December. Even then, he isn’t going to be certain if he is the best thing for you. He will do his best to honor you and the relationship… at least for a while.

In the end, even though there is more to come for you with this man, he isn’t going to be your partner for life. Sometimes the reward of making it through the bad times with one partner comes in the form of better times with another. That seems to be the case with you.

Your love and kindness, both past and future, can be credited with helping your boyfriend become the man he wants to be. I’m not sure he could have come this far without you. But, it seems as if part of your purpose in his life is to help heal and lift him into seeing who he could be.

Not every relationship can last forever, no matter how much effort you apply or how badly you want them to. If love were a choice, this man would love you forever. However, he will come to the conclusion that he needs to be true to himself, even if that choice costs him you.

I’m sorry.
Ext. 9226

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