Red Responds: He Was Also Dating Her Cousin

Susana in Glendale writes:

How do I just let him go? I was seeing this guy for about three months and everything was great except that he was also dating my cousin. At first I did mind and would constantly question why he was still with her when he claimed he wanted to be with me. He would tell me that I was the love of his life and would let go of her soon. Which never happened. My cousin soon found out and he basically denied everything and said that it was all a lie that I had made up. Five months later they’re still together and I’m left still missing him and loving him. I also get the feeling that we’ll even get back together but I know it’s not going to happen. How do I just let him go when my heart won’t let me?

Dear Susana,

When the phrase, “everything was great,” is followed by the word except or but, it is a screaming red flag that things really aren’t all that good.

This isn’t going to be all gentle and pleasant, but maybe reading these words will help you to heal. You fell in love with a slimeball. A charismatic slimeball is still slimy, only they talk a better game. Unfortunately, you fell for it, and now are shouldering the aftermath of falling in love with an illusion. I’m afraid that even after three months of dating, you really don’t know who this man really is – you only know the person he pretended to be.

Rather than mourn for a love that was lost, you would do much better to work on accepting that you are loveable. This man made you feel special, he paid attention to you, he reinforced that you are a loving and loveable person. This made you want to see the best in him, believe his words, dismiss his actions, and be foolishly forgiving. So, you did everything in your power to give this relationship a chance, and now sit without the reward for your efforts. This makes it hurt twice as bad. With all that he has done to you, what about him do you find so loveable? I really want you to think about that. What did he ever really do for you? From where I sit, this truly was a give-and-take relationship. You gave, he took. Other than heartache, what is there for you to hold on to?

Broken hearts heal. It takes time, sometimes more than a little effort, and usually hurts quite a bit through the process. All you can do is take it day by day, getting through the best way you can.

Good luck,
Ext. 9226

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