Red Responds: Not a Friendship or a Romance

Ann in Allston writes:

I am a Capricorn in my early thirties. I was very close to a Taurus in his late thirties. We had something that was a little more than a friendship, but less than a romantic relationship. Because of my limited dating history, his extensive dating history, careers and goals, we tried to keep it to friendship only. There was a mutual attraction and respect for one another, and also the recognition that on some levels, we felt very different about relationships.

We “clicked” in many ways, and I wanted to give us a try, even if we weren’t successful. He didn’t want to go in that direction, and it’s taken a long time, but I’ve come to accept that. He has had huge positive influences on me in some ways, and he claims that I influenced him as well. About a year ago, we had a falling out, which I thought we had resolved. But not long after working through this, he walked away. I haven’t heard from him in months. I miss his friendship and his perspective on things and would like to have him back in my life… even in the most superficial manner. I have no idea anymore what he’s thinking, what he thinks (if anything) about me, and why he turned from the friendship we had. Was it getting too deep for him, or did he not really ever care at all? Is there any chance that we can reconcile? I’d really appreciate your insight!

Dear Ann,

Not every connection we make in life evolves into a life-long connection, regardless of how badly we try and keep it alive.

The relationship you shared with this man wasn’t a one-sided deal. You did impact his world, and he was very fond of you. There is so much in your history that was genuine. If it makes you feel better to wonder if he cared, then feel free to wonder. But, somewhere in you, you know that he did.

You connected with a fairly free-spirited guy, and your intensity of emotion did surpass his. That can be very painful to accept. It doesn’t mean that the connection or shared feelings were any less valid, it just means that all things were not in balance. Any reconciliation is going to be unbalanced, which means it will be hard for you. You may think you want him in your life, however superficially, but the truth is, you want more. You want solid friendship. You want the possibility that the friendship can evolve into something else.

Even though the two of you made a level of peace after your falling out, he took the opportunity to use it as an exit. While he does care about you and still thinks about you from time to time, he chose to leave you behind in order to uncomplicate his life. For him, the future doesn’t hold an evolution of your friendship or romance. He knows, he’s always known, that your feelings run much deeper. You want something he can’t and doesn’t desire to give.

There was a time that he woke you up, stirred your senses, and made you look at life and yourself differently. I think that was the point. Hard as it may be, it is time for you to let go. Even if he makes another appearance into your life, it won’t be the same. Once again he would leave you behind in order to be true to his own path.

While it would be nice if you had some formal sense of closure, his silence is meant with kindness. He doesn’t want things to be hurtful or ugly between you. He also doesn’t want the emotional responsibility that comes with maintaining the friendship. So he did what he felt was the kindest and best thing for you both: he simply went away.

You’ve made every effort, done all that you can do, and now it’s time to move forward again. In time, your missing him will fade. Each of you is better for having known the other, a gift not every relationship can claim. Even though things haven’t worked out the way you would like them to, the memories and positive lessons will remain.

Best wishes,
Ext. 9226

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