Red Responds: He Won’t Move Into Her Place

Dear Red,

My significant other and I met via an online dating site. Chatting on the phone, we clicked. And after our first actual date he stated that “neither of us were getting any younger” (he’s 37 and I’m 36) and told me that he wanted a committed relationship with me.

We both took our profiles off the site and have been in a serious relationship for six-and-a-half months. He’s already asked me to marry him (several times) and has said that he wishes to adopt my infant son. I told him yes, but also I told him getting married would have to wait until after I finished college, which won’t be for another 2-and-a-half years.

We live about an hour apart, and he is the one who commutes back and forth five days out of the week. We’ve recently been talking about living together, but he wants me to be the one to move. I have a house and three kids; he currently stays with his parents (that is, when he is not at my place). Moving there isn’t practical right now for me. It would be easier for him to just move in with me (since he’s already practically living with me the majority of the week) until I get done with school. Yet he won’t budge on the issue. Is this relationship doomed?


Dear Deena,

Doomed is a very interesting word to use relative to your relationship, but not one that I would have chosen.

This man loves you. Bunches. He wants to marry you and build a life with you. No doom vibes are coming from him, but there are a few coming from you in the form of major uncertainty.

The relationship itself seems really stable; difficulties and problems can be worked through, if that is what you want. But I’m not quite certain you actually know what it is that you truly want. More specifically, you seem as if you don’t relish the idea of marriage or any legally binding commitment with this guy. It’s like he’s good enough for now, while you are working toward your personal goals, but you want the option of being able to walk away clean once you have achieved them.

While I feel that you care about him, you don’t come through as a woman blindingly in love with your partner. This is what could “doom” the relationship. If you feel like this man is trying to tighten the noose around your neck (and I have a sneaking suspicion that you’ve had that exact thought) you need to reevaluate your position in this relationship.

He looks at living together in a different place as a fresh start and a foundation for the two of you.

In a sense, he is trying to remove you from some aspects of your past.

Your partner feels as if he is putting more effort and energy into this relationship than you are, so no, he isn’t going to budge on the moving issue. He believes that if you truly love him and want to be with him, it is a concession that you will make. It is a concession that he needs you to make. Some sign, some proof, that he is worth the risk to you.

Ultimately, it is your decisions and actions that will determine the future of this relationship. There is a future there, if you decide you want it. As for now, you need to be a little more honest with your partner and let him know that he’s pressuring you to move too quickly; emotionally and physically. You may even want to suggest that he get a place of his own, to which you and your children can come and stay from time to time. It’s a half-hearted compromise, but it just may buy you some time.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

Questions about your love life? Ask Red!

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