Red Responds: He Walked Out and Never Came Back

Lexi in Los Angeles writes:

Back in October, my boyfriend basically abandoned me. He just walked out of my door one day and never came back. For two weeks after he disappeared, I thought he was in danger (I even filed a missing persons report!) but later realized he was fine and that his friends were all hiding the truth from me. I only spoke to him once afterwards and he was angry with me about a misunderstanding, then I emailed him literally 10 times begging for answers and he only responded to my first one, apologizing for the misunderstanding.

I kept trying to reach him to see what was wrong and if we could work things out, but he ignored me from then on out. I don’t even know if he read the rest of my emails or if he’s even the one who responded or maybe someone else read the emails. This situation has devastated me because I never got closure. I don’t understand why he left the way he did, we weren’t having problems and were getting along great. I was falling in love with him. I can’t get him out of my system. After all this time, I still think about him every day and wonder if he thinks of me.

Maybe I’d feel better if I knew why he left. There are so many speculations: that he did something illegal, that he had another life, another woman, that he knew I was too good for him so he walked away, that he never cared about me – countless theories. A lot of people tell me that one day he’ll come back and sadly, I think I would take him back. My fear is that I’m going to run into him one day and lose my composure. I guess my question is, why did he leave and is he ever going to come back to me? Or am I just a fool who can’t let go?

Dear Lexi,

The hardest hurts to heal from are the ones we don’t understand. Hopefully, this will help you to gain the sense of closure that you are looking for.

Your ex certainly didn’t handle things in the best or most adult manner, but he isn’t exactly what I’d call an “emotionally mature” individual. It would almost be better for you if I could tell you that he had some dark, secret life… but he didn’t. He simply wanted to bring this relationship to an end, and the misunderstanding you shared was his exiting excuse. It really doesn’t go a whole lot deeper than that.

Your feelings for him were deeper than his for you. Somewhere along the line of your relationship, it ceased being “fun” in his book. Rather than take the time to express his feelings and desires like a man, he scurried out the door like a rat being chased by a broom. He was not, and is not, interested in having a conversation with you to explain his actions – primarily because he believes you will steer it into talks of reconciliation. At this point in time, even if he was interested in resuming a relationship with you, he couldn’t. A bit of a talker, he has created a somewhat psychotic picture of you to his family and friends. As you know, he can be charming and quite believable, but he doesn’t always back his claims with proof or action.

He doesn’t hate you, he never did. It wasn’t his plan to cause you so much grief, but he assumed that his silence would tell you all that you needed to know. He knows that with the passing of time, you will move on. He already has.

Girl, it’s time for you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start looking forward instead of back. Sometimes in life the only sense of closure we get is the simple knowledge that things have changed – and accepting the circumstances as they are, for what they are.

Stop wasting precious time and valuable energy wondering about what is going on in his life. That effort can be better channeled into healing yourself and changing your own circumstances. When you are once again healthy and whole, it won’t matter when you will see him again or how you will handle it, because you won’t just see him – you’ll see through him. Oh, what a victorious day for you that will be!

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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