Red Responds: Resisting Out of Stubbornness or Fear

Mark in Grand Junction writes:

My ex-girlfriend Cheryl, I felt was my soulmate. She left me last August and won’t talk to me now. I keep hoping I’ll hear from her. A week before the breakup she told me that I might be her soulmate. Yet she took her ex camping but said it was to keep a positive male presence for her children. She lives in Oregon. I believe in her, that is my biggest problem. She says she is an empath and she thinks emotions are not an important part of us and I disagreed and told her I thought she was afraid of emotions because of her hurtful past. I am an emotional man and I was afraid she would think I was violent and I wanted to talk to her about what I felt. I know I need to move on but it’s only the second time in my life I’ve felt so much for anyone. Am I obsessed? Everytime I think I’m moving on, I feel or sense, or imagine things that tell me to hold on. It’s hard since I feel so much love for her and she said she loved me but still did things with her ex-boyfriend. There are two other female friends of mine who want more of me, so it’s not fear of being alone. I feel I truly love Cheryl. Common sense tells me to go, but my heart says don’t give up without a fight. Does it really take more strength to walk away? Or just more sense?

Dear Mark,

Sometimes people resist what they feel out of stubbornness or fear, and it creates more than a little chaos for the people who surround them. Your Cheryl is one such resistant person, and she is pretty good at it. What this means to you is that you can spend a whole lot of time waiting for her to figure things out, or you can move on in your life and hope that she will eventually figure things out. I know that these aren’t the greatest options, but they are the ones that are being presented around you.

Cheryl isn’t wanting, or ready, to allow herself to be fully committed or content. This shows up very strongly in how she handles her personal relationships. Fear and baggage, along with a bit of an empathic nature, have her determinedly resistant to stable romantic relationships. It doesn’t really matter what you do or don’t do – this is something she has to work through for herself. Unfortunately, I don’t see her tackling her issues any time soon.

It takes a lot of courage and a lot of strength to walk away from someone you love, especially when you intuitively understand that such a decision can be final. You love this woman very much, and that love isn’t just going to fade away overnight. But, because she is not validating and nurturing your love, it will eventually fade. Your fears aren’t about being alone, they circle around your knowing that there is only one Cheryl. You know, saw, and you felt what kind of future the two of you could have had. That is what you’ve been holding on to.

There’s no quick fix for you, my friend. All you can do is work with the painful facts at hand. While you may be ready and willing to do whatever it takes for a relationship with Cheryl, she isn’t in the same place or on the same page. I’m very sorry, but her choices are, and will continue, to keep you apart.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *