Red Responds: Getting Together With Anyone Seems Daunting

Dear Red,

I have been speaking to two men long distance via the internet. The first one I met in March 2004. We were very close for over a year, I felt I had a very close connection with him (in a deep way but not the more superficial ways), until I started to feel overwhelmed by the fact that he was always trying to fix me. (He was trying to teach me how to evolve and love fully I think.) But he wouldn’t actually speak to me about any of this and the result, despite my best efforts to be open minded, was that I just kept feeling manipulated, analyzed and as if something was wrong with me.

I broke it off and was missing him terribly, but also hurting too much to speak to him anymore. Then I started speaking to a guy in London who I don’t love like I did the other one, but we get on well. I find him more attractive physically and he’s been helpful in making repairs to my sense of autonomy. We share a common trauma of childhood sex abuse, although his was much worse and the talks we’ve had have been very supportive, generous and friendship-based.

Then, after a year, the first guy sent me a birthday present — a whole lot of music he’d strung together, songs that were declarations of love, songs with messages about all sorts of things (spirituality, passion, sex, apologies, reincarnation until you do something worthy of admittance to heaven/God) music to ‘raise my vibration’.

It was a big shock to receive this. I found some of the music upsetting, plus I was shocked at the love songs after silence for so long and so much of my earlier mail had been unanswered and I keep feeling rejected and that I’d said something wrong.

Are either of these men the right one for me? What is the best way for me to get myself together — to feel strong and more confident again? I have never had an intimate partner and although I think I want that special person to fall deeply in love and share my life with, the prospect of getting together with anyone seems more daunting with age.

– Wondering What to Do in Whangamata

Dear Wondering,

While your journey through this life may have kept you somewhat lonely, battered, and bruised – you are not broken. You have incredible strength and spirit and so much more to offer anyone who is willing to accept you as you are.

While the first gentleman you mentioned may have been beneficial to you in your process of self discovery and self healing initially, his presence in your world now seems more destructive than constructive. While I don’t feel any direct malice from him and his actions, he does know you well enough to easily use your trust and goodness to his benefit. In a very real sense you not only have outgrown this relationship, but you also see through him now, where once upon a time you only saw him as he wanted to be seen. Basically, he served a purpose in your life, but that time is over. The less contact you have with him the better off you are.

Your London man is much more kind and gentle, both in spirit and in action. While he is someone that you can learn to love more deeply, I feel that you in truth would be settling for him, and doing yourself a disservice that would cause you to question your motives. I see this relationship as one that is going to start to fade away, if it hasn’t already. He makes for an excellent friend, but not a life-long lover.

You are well on your way to “getting yourself together”. As for feeling more strong and confident, you are working on that as well. The best way for you to keep on your path of personal empowerment is to continue exercising it. Take conscious moments to remind yourself that you are an amazing woman just as you are. The experiences you’ve had so far reinforce just how strong of a person you are to have come through them, not a sign of weakness or inadequacy because they happened.

Understandably so, you have some trust issues. Keep in mind that you have the ability to pick and choose those people you allow into your life, and the right to make sure they are worthy of knowing you, not the other way around.

I think it’s a fantastic testament to your character that you have the strength and self-respect to hold out for what you really want. Age is not a barrier. While I cannot guarantee that your first lover will be your last, I do see your first intimate relationship being a lasting one built on love, trust, respect, and a whole lot of passion.

While I’m not able to get you a timeframe on this occurrence in the normal sense of a date or season, it doesn’t feel too far out in your future. The answer I keep getting repeatedly on this is that it will happen when you are at a place where you more freely open yourself up to risk and are playing things a little less safely than what you are accustomed to. I feel like this is a person you will meet face-to-face, and not over the internet. Strangely enough, this man has ties to Paris. So should you find yourself standing at the base of the Eiffel Tower, take a good look around!

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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