Red Responds: Will Things Work Out With This Commitment Phobic Man?

Lila in the U.S. writes:

I’ve been romantically involved with a commitment phobic man for three years. I wasn’t aware of his commitment problems and jumped into the ocean too fast. Although we’ve been dating other people since he broke up with me in 2005, we still keep in touch with each other regardless of the long geographic distance between us.

Deep down inside my heart, I know that I’m still deeply in love with him. This Summer I visited him and his family in his country at his request. We enjoyed quality time together and got intimate again as if we were back together as a couple. But after I returned home, he’s become detached again and blamed me for pressuring him. He said he doesn’t want to lose me but decided that there’s no future between us. Thus, I cut off contact but he resumed the contact again when I was about to give up hope. Is he just plain not that into me, toying me, or is it his phobia? I consulted two readers on California Psychics – they both told me that I will be marrying this man in one to three years. I’m so confused because the reality doesn’t seem positive. He slotted me with a friend tag and his “come-and-go” attitude has been driving me crazy. I just can’t rid him off my mind! Recently I came across some articles about commitment phobia and he seems to be a severe case, which means he may need to go to therapy. I really care about him and want to be with him very very much. How will this situation work out? What is the best course of action for me to take?

Dear Lila,

While your man does seem to suffer from a fairly severe case of commitment phobia, more to the heart of the matter, he plain-old isn’t ready to settle down.

This man does care for you a great deal, but has very little faith in long-distance relationships. The geographical challenges along with his commitment fears are definitely creating some obstacles for the development of this relationship.

He doesn’t want to lose you – you are a very important part of his life. But, because he believes that being with you in a romantic relationship will ultimately lead to commitment that he isn’t ready for, he told you that he doesn’t see a future for the two of you. For him, this was the easiest way to remove the pressure of “what comes next” without closing the door completely. After all, he does want to maintain a friendship to keep you accessible and a part of his life.

Don’t pay too much attention to his claims of pressuring him when you were visiting. This is just one of the ways he deals with your absence after such a memorable visit. Everything that transpired between the two of you is coming through as mutual. He just isn’t as emotionally strong or mature as you appear to be, so his gut reaction is to deny what he is feeling and take a step back.

He has some personal growing to do, and eventually will come to a place where love and relationships becomes more important and less scary to him. Until that time, exercise your ability to control his “come and go” attitude. Since he has labeled you as a friend, simply be his friend, and treat him as you would any other male friend. I know that will be an incredibly difficult task for you, but he will notice the difference in your attitude – which will cause him to rethink his own.

He isn’t toying with you or your emotions, he just isn’t prepared to enter into a relationship at the same level that you are. Time will take care of all things, and your relationship with him is no exception.

All you can do is go about your life, based on the truths at hand. Currently, there is no reason to sit back and wait for your man to figure out his head and heart battles, so keep dating others and living your life. Even though you love him, I would like to encourage you to keep your friendship with this guy as platonic as you can, or to retrain your brain to accept that any intimacy you share doesn’t redefine this relationship at this time.

When Summer comes around again, so will he, in a more romantic capacity. Treat this as a new romance rather than a reunion. The thrill of the chase will have him pursuing you to be his girlfriend, and get this relationship back on track once again.

While I’m not sure when (or where) your wedding will take place, I do see an engagement ring coming your way in May of 2009. I know that may not make a whole lot of sense to you at the moment, but things will unfold with time.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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