Enlightening Answers: Dating After Husband’s Death and a Poor Partner

Since my husband’s passing, I’ve taken some time to heal, finding peace and new purpose and fulfillment. I believe there are loads of great single guys out there… but finding them is the hard part. I’m 53 and dating someone I met through Match.com. It’s in the beginning stages and moving slowly. I’d like to know if it’s better to focus on one person at a time, or to date more men until you know you’ve found “the one.”

For me, time is probably more of an issue than for a woman in her 30s or 40s. And I feel so passionate and like I’m in the prime time of my sensuality and want to share this with someone. What’s a girl to do? Thanks!

Signed: The Wondering Widow

Dear Wondering,

First of all – I am sorry about the loss of your husband. It’s said that there is no greater loss, and I don’t doubt it. Second of all, congratulations on “getting your groove back!” You sound healthy and happy and I’m so glad. So, here’s what I recommend in terms of dating more than one person at a time – DO! I love the “magic three” rule, and recommend you date at least three men at a time (just be sure to have an organized schedule and not “double” or “triple book” yourself as you may soon have a “cockfight” on your hands!). When you only date one man at a time, you’re too hopeful that a relationship will work out with him. You’ll overlook things you shouldn’t, get too attached, and be too worried about how he’s feeling about you. When you date just two people, you can’t help but unfairly compare and contrast them. When you date three or more, it helps you to stay objective and not overly focused on how they are feeling about you, and the right relationship will naturally “rise to the top.” And just think of all the fun you’ll have! As for how to meet men, simply slow down your day and make more of an effort to talk to them everywhere you go. With a woman as happy, well-adjusted, and full of “mojo” as you, they’ll welcome your attention.

Good luck!

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for year and a half and I don’t understand him. We are good when we are together, but he doesn’t take us anywhere. He says he has no money because of his bills. What should I do?

Signed: Going Nowhere Fast

Dear Going Nowhere,

Hmm… that’s no fun! I wish I knew where you lived, because guess what? If you’re in a city there are plenty of things to do for free. Right here in Los Angeles, for example, there’s free jazz at the County Museum, ballroom dancing lessons under the stars downtown at the Music Center, reggae and rock concerts on the Santa Monica pier, the Hollywood Christmas parade, walks on the beach, festivals… In other words, I’m not buying it. He doesn’t just sound broke, he sounds unimaginative and lazy! I suspect there’s more to the story – he may be depressed or have a fear of leaving home (a mental condition called “agoraphobia”), or worse… I’m a big fan of “leading the way” – meaning, whatever you want more of in your relationship, you bring first. So I suggest you take him somewhere free (like those things I mentioned above – even just for a walk in nature or a pretty part of town), and then ask him to come up with something for you both to do next time. If he’s not open to any of that and you’re unhappy about it, then you need to accept the fact that you don’t like his terms for your relationship and let him know it’s not working for you. If he still won’t change, then you’re socially incompatible and may want to find someone who enjoys doing the things you do. (And to find that someone, hang out at the kinds of events I just mentioned…)

Good luck.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *