Red Responds: More Ups Than Down

I have been married just over eight months now. As in every relationship, we have had ups and downs–well, more ups than downs, but since we have been married, things have changed. I know there are issues with both of us, and I am not innocent, I am sure I have hurt him, too.

But it seems every time we fight he’s throwing divorce in my face, and I am at my wit’s end. I love this man with all of my being. When we fight he leaves, and stays out all night sometimes. He comes home when it is time for bed or after I am already in bed, and then gets up in the morning and leaves for work, and does the same thing over and over until he feels he is over it and ready to make up.

He has been through a lot in his life, and I have been trying to understand what could make him act this way towards me. He says he regrets marrying me and the last time this happened he even told me he didn’t love me. I really need help!!! I don’t know what to do. Do I keep trying and not give up on him, or do I just leave and hope for the best? PLEASE HELP!!! PLEASE!!!

– Amy

Dear Amy,

I am so sorry to hear of the pain and uncertainty you are experiencing in what should be such a happy time in your life. Sometimes a wedding ring really changes a relationship.

In all honesty, being married is a lot more difficult than either one of you bargained for.

Your husband has a hard time dealing with things, and when life isn’t at its bright and shiny best he feels very overwhelmed and inadequate. While this is a man who feels very deeply, he is not very good at dealing with his own emotions, much less yours. His actions towards you come from his inner feelings of helplessness and failure. Because of his issues and his history, he is a wee bit more on the high-maintenance side when it comes to his ego and his emotional needs.

To say that you and your husband have communication difficulties is an understatement. Rather than deal with the issues at hand, he’s actively avoiding you. There’s a lot of pain and hurt feelings on both sides. He feels like he can’t talk to you. You feel like he doesn’t hear you. In many ways, you’re both right.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that everything was going to be just fine, or to pack a bag and leave — something definitive. I can’t do that, because as of right now, this marriage is on very shaky ground and will get worse before it gets better. A lot of how the future will unfold is dependent on what you decide to do. I know you love him, but I also see it’s getting harder to love him.

Counseling would do wonders for each of you individually, and the relationship as a whole. Sadly, I don’t see it happening.

While I’m not sensing that things are going to get legal in the near future, I am seeing a separation. Painful as that is, it will do both of you some good. Your husband still loves you, and time apart will remind him of that. That reminder, if you allow it, will keep you married. The “happily” part is going to take conscious effort from the both of you.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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