Red Responds: Feeling Blacklisted

Jane from San Clemente writes:

I recently had a falling out with a couple of friends. One was my best friend (female) of about 2 years. She introduced me to her friend with whom I immediately became friends and quickly intimate. My best friend and I have started to slowly talk again. But he and I are not communicating. They communicate and spend time together. I really felt blacklisted for awhile. What will happen in this situation? Will he and I repair things, and will she and I repair things? Please give me some insight – this is really bothering me lately.

Dear Jane,

Sadly, loyalty sometimes falls secondary to gossip camaraderie in a circle (or triangle) of friends. Many movies have been made about a man coming between girlfriends, and you are a living example.

The first thing you need to understand, and let go of, is this guy isn’t looking to make you his girlfriend. There is no long-term relationship waiting for you. Even though you were intimate with him and thought you shared a true friendship, in some ways, you were simply used. The best that you can hope for with him is to put the intimate past behind you, and have a civil, but surface, relationship.

The relationship with your best-friend is damaged, but not irretrievably broken. There is a level of mistrust and betrayal that is felt by each of you for different reasons – but the two of you can work through and get past this. It is going to take some time, but with effort, communication and some heartfelt apologies, the two of you can mend the rift. Things may never be quite the same as they once were, but this friendship can endure.

Best of luck to you!
Ext. 9226

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