Nina in East Amherst writes:
I’ve been separated for a year and have been dating quite a bit. Unfortunately, most of the men interested in me are married, and much to my detriment, I find that very attractive. Do you see my “soulmate” appearing or I am doomed to this kind of lifestyle forever?
Slow down! You’ve only been playing the dating game for a year, which isn’t a very long time in the grand scheme of things. Heck, you’re still healing from past mistakes and learning how to get your feet back under you. Sometimes it is much wiser to walk before you run.
It is going to take a few years, but you will find your mate. He may not exactly be your soulmate, but you find him and the relationship to be more than good enough. There are some heavy karmic connections between the two of you that make this very close to a soulmate relationship.
In the meantime, you really need to look at why you are so attracted to the married men. You are creating a situation that has boundaries. The up-side is by choosing the married ones, you are less likely to confine yourself into another relationship that ultimately doesn’t serve you. The down-side is that you are creating a very unhealthy pattern for yourself, that will eventually bite you when you least expect it.
Rather bluntly, if you continue to invest yourself into relationships with married men, don’t whine and be all doom-and-gloom when they go nowhere. Accept that this was your choice, get out of it what you need and leave it at that. Know going in that you are walking down a dead-end street, and there is no surprise when you come to a brick wall.
This is your life and you choose how you live it. Right now, you seem like you are not strong enough to avoid a bad relationship with an available man, so there is some safety for you in having a fair relationship with a married man. You also need to understand that the married ones aren’t necessarily better men – especially when they are having problems with their own fidelity.
Your life is changing, and you are growing. The process may not be the easiest one, but it is necessary. When you figure out what you really want – and accept that you deserve nothing less – you increase your odds of finding it. With time and patience, you will become stronger and the destructive relationships you find yourself so attracted to now will become less appealing.
Step back and take things slowly in relationships. Give yourself a chance to figure out what you are really looking for, other than just some level of security of not being alone.