Ena in Aurora writes:
I am devastated over a recent breakup. We had been living together for about eight months when he moved out for “health” reasons (he can’t tolerate the heat and I have no air conditioner). He kept saying that he was leaving the house – not me. But then right after he got all of his things out, he dumped me. I just need to know the “why” of all of this. Otherwise, I feel like whatever mistakes I made in this relationship, I’ll just continue over and over again. I was, and still am, deeply in love with this man. He vowed to me that he would never leave me. How can I ever learn to trust anyone? I feel as if half my heart and soul were suddenly amputated. Please help me gain some insight on this!
I know you’re confused, and I know you fear you can never overcome the pain you feel. Eventually, you will heal. It will take time and effort, but you will learn to love and trust once again.
People make promises they cannot keep, make claims and vows they cannot support. You are not alone – simply look at the divorce statistics of this day and age. Then, ask yourself, would you want to be with a person who is only with you because of a vow?
A piece of paper does not make a marriage, and a promise to never leave does not make a relationship. These things are ties that bind people together out of duty, but love is what defines how the relationship exists. People who are happy and in love uphold their relationships, whether or not the relationship is defined by certificate, vow, or promise. They are together because their existence is incomplete without the other.
Your boyfriend didn’t want to hurt you, to cause you to feel responsible or inferior, or to deal with hours of tears and drama. That’s why he came up with a climate excuse to make his exit. The hurtful truth is, he wasn’t in love with you, and living with you did not bring the joys and benefits that he thought they would when he moved in.
The biggest mistake you made in this relationship was the man you chose. Over all, I don’t know that you really knew this guy but you did fall in love with your interpretation, or idea, of him. He tried to be who you wanted, the person you said you needed, but in the end, he had to be true to himself.
We all make mistakes in relationships. They are a trial and error process. The more effectively we communicate, the fewer opportunities there are for mistakes. You asked, so I will tell you. You need to learn how to listen to your partner. If you had paid closer attention to the man that he was, his leaving wouldn’t have come as such a surprise. I’m not saying that this is necessarily the case, but he felt there was no compromise with you. Also, you had trust issues that clouded this relationship long before he moved out.
There is only so much reassurance one human being can give another, the rest of it is up to us. Sometimes we just have to have enough faith in ourselves to believe that we are deserving of loving and being loved.
You can choose to hold onto your anger and pain, cling to the notion that he broke his vow, and decide that you will never trust anyone again. Or, you can accept that as much as you love this man, he didn’t love you the same way. It hurts, it stinks, and it’s not fair but sometimes it is just that simple.