Red Responds: Her Heart Keeps Getting Ripped Apart

Dear Red,

I am a caring, emotional Scorpio who was married for almost 18 years to a man who did not treat me well at all, but I was very afraid to leave him because of his temper. I was afraid of what he may do if I tried to leave. Fortunately, I was finally able to get out of the marriage with no children as a link to him (although he cannot seem to let go of me completely).

I am not having any luck finding a man who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I just keep getting hurt emotionally. My heart keeps getting ripped apart. I know of a guy at work who is very interested, but I haven’t had much luck with co-worker relationships and am not sure if I want to “go there” again. I’ve resorted to trying to find someone online, but I’m not having much luck there either. I would like someone around my own age who would like to have children with me. I just turned 39 and feel like time is running out for me! Will I ever find Mr. Right and have the family I want so badly?

– Desperate in Michigan

Dear Desperate,

The first thing you need to do is to quit looking at yourself as desperate. That helps nothing, and creates huge vulnerabilities that people will prey on, intentionally or otherwise.

The second thing you need to do is to quit looking at the calendar. Time is not running out for you, you are a healthy woman who has many years ahead of you, not some 150 year old lying on her deathbed.

When you give someone your heart, fully and quickly, you are always at risk of having it ripped out and stomped on. Finding a healthy, loving relationship that is respectful and supportive to you takes time. Time to meet people, time to select people with whom you can relate, and time to really get to know that person to determine if he is worthy of you and your heart. It is a process, and a risk, to find out if the man who has your attention will treat you the way you wish to be treated. Set some protective boundaries for yourself, and pay attention to red flags and warning signs while you are in the dating process.

It took you eighteen years to free yourself of a bad marriage. You still have healing to do from that whole experience. It just doesn’t go away overnight. Furthermore, be grateful that you have had your heart ripped out by others. Painful as that is, it has saved you from blindly entering into another eighteen years of hell.

I would advise you not to jump right in to things with your co-worker, not because he is a co-worker, but because I don’t see this developing into the relationship you desire.

As far as dating goes, keep putting yourself out there. Men will come and go, but eventually you will meet one with whom you can share your life. I’m not certain which dating site you use, but another site will prove to be your matchmaker.

I believe that all prayers are answered, although they are not always answered verbatim or in our personally contrived timeframes. This seems to be the case with you. I do see you with the family you want so badly, but not for a couple of years. You will be raising three beautiful kids. They may not share your genetics, but they are yours, none-the-less. I know that may not be your perfect vision, but the truth is, giving birth doesn’t make you a mother. Loving and raising a child or children does.

If a biological child is of the utmost importance to you, you can have that. Once again, it is not your perfect vision, but it is possible. You don’t need a husband to conceive, you need financing, doctors, and a donor. I don’t see you exercising this option, but I thought I’d put it out there anyway. This would give you four children to raise, but in all honesty, I am only seeing the above mentioned three.

Just take things one day at a time, my friend. You are not running out of time, but you are missing out on the joy that each day that passes, brings you one closer to reaching your goals. Finding a good man and having that family shouldn’t be viewed as a mission. Let life unfold as it should, and that man and family will be your reward.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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