Please help me and give me direction. I feel I lost my chance with my husband because I was not honest with him and he with me. Our marriage was very bad and many devastating things happened during that period. I felt guilty over my son and felt I needed to do things to protect my son. I treated my husband as someone I did not love and did not give him the love and respect he deserved. He found someone else and was not honest with me and cheated on me for three years with another woman. They are together now. I always wonder if things in our life had turned out differently would we have had a better marriage or is he a womanizer and a liar? Do I have a picture in my mind of who I want him to be or did he do the things he did to me because of the way I treated him? Please help me leave the past behind and start fresh… Is there a chance we will get back together and have a the relationship I dream of?
J.M. in Lancaster
My apologies if this response comes across a bit harsh, but my guides are insisting that I have to be rather firm with you in order to get you going in the right direction. So, this may not earn me a spot on your “good” list, but if it gets you motivated to take care of yourself, then it really doesn’t matter if you like me.
There are many reasons why your marriage failed: lack of communication, deception, manipulation, disrespect, and infidelity are all good examples of the “why”. The truth of it is, each of you has a certain amount of responsibility. It doesn’t really matter who is more to blame than the other, the result is still the same. It is over, and it is time to move on.
Wondering how things would have turned out if circumstances were different isn’t going to help you. It doesn’t change the reality of your situation, unless your desire is to deepen your level of pain and depression. Anything you or he would have done differently in the time you were together would have created different actions and reactions, but you can’t change anything that has already taken place. All you can do is learn from it, and do your best not to recreate the same circumstances in your present and future relationships.
While I do not see the chance for you to reconcile with your husband, if I did, I would advise you against exploring that option. Putting the two of you together seems to create an immense lack of happiness and well-being for both of you. It’s just not a good idea, and there is way too much painful history for a fresh start.
If viewing your husband as a womanizer and a liar makes it easier for you to move on, then you have that option. However, I want you to be aware that holding on to all that negativity and anger is like a lead weight that anchors you to your own sense of loneliness, and eventually you will transition from a place of pain to a realm of bitterness. Personally, I don’t want that for you. I’d rather see you take that energy and use it to rebuild your sense of self-worth and self esteem, and learn to love yourself once again.
Do yourself a favor and let him, and the idea of him, go. Make a conscious effort to create a happy future that is not built on the crumbled foundation of a painful past.