Leave Hubby or Lover?

Melanie in Victoria writes:

A few years ago I wanted to end my marriage, but I didn’t feel ready to be a single parent. I ended up having an affair and experiencing a love that I never thought was possible. Now I am at a crossroads, and have been for a long time. I cannot decide if it would be better for me to end my marriage (in the hopes that eventually I would find someone more compatible, closer to a soulmate), or if I should stay married (in the hopes that I will fall back into love with him). My husband is doing everything I would like to see in a relationship, and yet it somehow doesn’t feel “right.”

Dear Melanie,

Even though you aren’t swept up by that “in love” feeling with your husband, you also aren’t at that place where you appear ready to leave him.

From what I can see, it isn’t very likely that you are going to fall head-over-heels in love with your husband again. But, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a level of love that still exists between the two of you, because there is. It just isn’t exciting any more.

You care about your husband, you don’t want to disrupt your family, and you also don’t want to risk the security that you currently have. Even though things aren’t quite the way you’d like them to be, you aren’t entirely unhappy with your situation. And you aren’t ready to make that final, life-changing decision.

I see that you will continue to struggle with the should-I-stay-or-should-I-go question. While it may not be exactly what you wanted to hear, it is what I see. The time is not yet right for you make your final decision. However, a lot is going to happen over the course of the next two years. The day will come when you are no longer struggling, because the time will be right for you to make your move.

Do what you can to try and reconnect with your husband, and bring some passion and excitement into your marriage. Basically, make the best out of and the most with what you have. Then, when you know in your heart that it’s time to move on, you’ll also know that you did all that you could do.

Brightest Blessings,


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One thought on “Leave Hubby or Lover?

  1. Coreen Trost

    Red, you are right! She needs to be absolutely sure in her heart before making that decision. At that time, believe me, she will know!

    When I got divorced I had struggled with both the ‘unknown’ and giving up the financial security. When my children were older and I had regained my lost strength and self-esteem (my marriage was bad), I then made the decision and followed through with ease. Assured that I was making the right decision for both myself and my children.

    On the other hand, I was engaged to a man that I broke up with very abruptly and even though it was the right decision, it caused enormous anxiety, uncertainty about my self and guilt over every poor decision in my past. I was very upset and confused for a long time. I didn’t go throught the ‘process’ of the breakup. That process in any relationship helps us to be ‘sure’ and plan our next steps with a clear head. Instead of through a cloudy mind and making decisions through a rush of emotions instead of calmly following our hearts and having a clear mind while going toward my future. I felt that I ‘ran away’ from my problem instead of running to a new life.

    Great answer & post, Red! Good Luck, Melanie!
    Blessings & Hugs,
    Coreen @ VOS


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