Kitty in Butte writes:
I lost my oldest son at the early age of 39 from a brain stem embolism and until his death I always knew that good people that died always went home to God. Even though my son was a wonderful, son, father and friend I have lost the belief he is safe with God. How can I change my thinking? I was always a church going person and now cannot go to church at all. I say I am not angry at God, so what is my problem? Depression has hit me and I know that, have sought help for it, but still am not at peace.
It is good that you are working with others to understand and conquer your depression. You’re not on an easy road, but you are making progress, so keep up the good work!
There is a huge difference between being angry and having trust. You don’t have to be angry at God, or the church, to find yourself in a place questioning exactly what your belief system is built on. Knowing that death is part of life and that some kind of transition takes place is part of being human. We expect and accept that we are going to lose people we love in our life, and hear of the losses others endure. We are taught that there is a reward for those who die, such as the entrance into a Heaven and into the loving, protective arms of a God.
But, the loss of your son has shaken those beliefs in you, because all that you thought you knew is based on faith. Since your son’s death – you have no proof that any of it exists, or that your beliefs are correct. All you have is a scientific explanation of why your son’s body failed to keep functioning, and that doesn’t soothe your pain or your soul. You are a Mother, a loving one at that, and just as you worried about your boy when he was on this plane, it is understandable that your concerns for his well-being would be heightened now that he is not.
A day will come when you will find yourself going back to church, but until that day comes, it’s okay. You aren’t ready for it. You can’t bring yourself to walk through the doors of a building that praises God’s glory, love and protection, when that same God has seemingly failed you by not protecting your son in life – permitting a seemingly senseless and premature death. That alone is a very solid reason to question if this same God is protective of and more attentive to those who have died. Being taught that people are made in God’s image promotes the idea that God, even though supposedly omnipotent and ethereal, is overwhelmingly human. We lose faith and trust in the people that hurt or fail us, and when thinking of God as a being in humanistic terms, we are also inclined to have that same humanistic response.
To go to church right now to praise and worship would make you a hypocrite, and that is something you can’t endure. But this is now, and these feelings, and lack of feelings, are a response to your overwhelming pain. Even though you say you aren’t mad at God, (years of faith and training trigger this illusion) you are angry. Truthfully and understandably, you are mad as hell. It’s okay – God gets it.
I can tell you that your son wasn’t ready to leave this world, but that he is accepting that he has. I can also tell you that he is still a very warm and loving energy, with witty sense of humor and a very strong sense of right and wrong. I can tell you that where he is, he is safe and protected, and no longer bound by the same restrictions or lack of knowledge that he experienced when he was alive. His existence is now very different, but that he exists more fully and completely than he ever did on the Earth plane.
Even though I can get some messages and information from those who have passed, and I do see the physical manifestations of many spirits who come to visit, I am no Medium nor do I channel – but I would like to encourage you to contact someone who is. Angel (9266) or Miss. Krystal (9192) who are amazingly skilled and talented with directly connecting with those who have died.
Through someone with those talents, you can be put more directly in touch with your son, and this can help you to start to find your peace. When you know, not just hope and theorize, that your son is okay, you will once again tap into your relationships with God and the Church, and it will give you strength. Your views of both may be forever changed, but the center of your soul remains the same… you still are a woman of faith.
I am so sorry for your loss. You may not see him, but your son still sees you.
I hope this helps.