Approximately 12 years ago I started to embark on a journey of self-discovery –I wanted to find my purpose in life.
When I studied Kabbalah for a while, I kept hearing how the Tree of Life is all about balance between the elements, or translated into life, the mind, body, spirit, will and heart. This concept made perfect sense, but I saw no way of ever putting it into action. After all, I had always been an extremist, either stuck way in my head over-thinking everything to death, or on a spiritual journey, isolating myself from other people. My heart was either in a state of euphoria, or totally shattered and broken — my will was not all that apparent to me and my body I had never taken care of at all. I rather saw the body as a useless vessel I didn’t want to have a whole lot to do with.
I still don’t know what exactly launched this great transformation that I started about a year and a half ago. All I know is that something “clicked.” It was this great “aha!” moment where suddenly I understood what kept me back, what made me miserable and I stopped blaming others for these issues. I suddenly understood how imbalanced I had been, but most importantly, I knew how to fix it!
Within the past 16 months I have cleaned up my life. I stopped my stories and excuses and I simply did the work. I stopped talking and simply did. My trainer even told me that I am a machine now. This is absolutely right in the sense that I just do. I no longer dissect it all to death, so I can start talking myself out of it, i.e. make an excuse. Sometimes it almost scares me how easy I can now go into the mode of “just do it,” and overwrite what has held me back for the past 10 years!
I am trusting. My heart is healing nicely, the scars start to fade and this is due to altering my behavior. I now focus on the things I have control over, which renders certain arguments useless.
I am exercising my mind by reading, keeping myself informed, asking questions and broadening my horizons again. I surround myself with people who have answers, or good questions. I am searching again for wisdom and truth.
My spirit is soaring these days. I meditate again. I read Tarot again, I am studying to become a Reiki master, I am predominantly surrounded by others who also have dedicated their lives to make the world a better place. I have eliminated people, situations and places that no longer serve me and keep me from becoming my higher self.
I learned that the only way for me to be the best I can be is having balance. A great mind is not all that great when the spirit, heart, and body are broken.
I realized that in order to heal others, I’d first have to heal myself. I am learning balance by no longer looking back to the past and no longer pointing fingers at others. The only finger pointing I do these days is at myself.
I am no longer a victim. I am no longer someone “bad things happen to,” but I am instead an empowered individual, someone who feels loved and worthy of love, someone who can give more freely now, because she no longer pours her energy and love into buckets without a bottom.
I still wander off the right path at times and “default” into wanting to tell someone off, but then I just wonder if it is worth it and what it would alter. I am not perfect or exactly where I want to be. Who knows? Maybe I will never get there, but at least I am on the right path now, I am on the path of balance.