4 Ways to Be Heard Without Raising Your Voice

Some of us grow up in families where the loudest one wins. This was definitely the case for me. Germans are loud in nature, and unless you learned how to scream, you wouldn’t get a word in edgewise. Having been raised by a mother who also loved to scream her point across didn’t help either. Even though most would never believe it when they met me, I used to be a quiet, reserved child, but that kind of behavior was trained out of me by the time I reached my teenage years. So why is it bad to yell or raise your voice? Because all you do is getting the other person to be defensive. They are done listening to you and all you say from the “yelling point” forward is no longer going anywhere. So, how can you be heard without raising your voice? Well, here are four ways:

1. Time Out / Cool Off

If at all possible, walk away, take a deep breath and wait a little while before you engage in any further conversation. When we are angry, we are usually not at our best game, because emotions tend to distort our view of what is actually going on, versus what we have imagined in our head. Any extreme emotion will throw us off balance, while cooling down and stepping away from the issue at hand usually allows us to be more objective and detached from the message. Neutral is the way to be!

2. Analyze and Evaluate

If things are starting to get heated within a conversation, ask yourself why you’re getting all wound up. What triggers the person hitting? And what role are you playing in all of it? Once a conversation or argument turns into a fight over being right, or forcing another into seeing things your way, the battle is probably lost. Because now you have two egos going at it and ego has a way of catapulting us back into childhood; and acting like a child isn’t the most convincing or successful way of getting things done.

3. Listen

Sometimes it helps to listen to the other party, no matter how much you may disagree with them. Why? Because it allows you to at least attempt to understand where they are coming from and the best debaters are those who can put themselves into another person’s shoes. Also, people who listen tend to exuberate confidence and most people tend to respond to confidence, above all. Confident people are always taken more serious; screaming, ranting children, not so much.

4. Be Self-Aware

As often as possible, try to take a look at yourself through the eyes of another. If you’re getting into arguments a lot, if you have to assert yourself by raising your voice and if people have told you about it, chances are you are the one with the problem. Maybe take some anger management courses; go to yoga, learn how to meditate or how to center yourself somehow.

It comes down to the fact that no one will be taken seriously when they turn into a screaming fool. Raising your voice doesn’t resolve anything and it only turns people defensive, while it reflects badly on you and your obvious temper. Being an adult requires a certain amount of self-control if we ask to be taken seriously. If we cannot control our own emotions, we turn into bullies; namely a bully without a shred of credibility.

Screaming is just as effective as calling people names or cussing them out. Children behave that way, so if you want to become effective in your communication, learn how to talk in a calm and collected way, or walk away and come back when you are.

What’s ahead for your life path? Try a psychic reading. Call 1.800.573.4830 or choose your psychic now.

34 thoughts on “4 Ways to Be Heard Without Raising Your Voice

  1. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Dear Desperate,

    Call me ! I can help you.

    …..one of my specialties is helping women who have been victimized and abused….and domestic violence victims.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  2. Danielle

    I have been dealing with the screaming issue lately..Thankyou for this article…It helps to see the reasoning behind it all…I hate it when I yell.

    Reply
  3. Verna

    I have worked at this place for over 3 years and through the time I have worked there, I have only had a few incounters with people that like to yell at people even if it is her faught that thing are in a uproar. This person does not know how to talk to people. Instead of talk to she talk at and make improper statements, Like “don’t Cry” or acting like everyone is out of step but her. I am her Asst. Manager and she was hired on as a Lead cashier. Which puts me in the position of being her Boss, she tries telling me what to do instead of just doing her job. She tells My Manager things that are not true. And also says thing that my Manager has not said. We have another employee that has worked hard ever since she was hire and now she has gotten to the point that she doesn’t to be on the floor when that person is working, because she picks on her. She can’t take a lunch or break without being called back to the floor. I know I am maybe writting to much , but I need some insight on what to do. I don’t want to lose my job. I have been calm in talking to her and she comes back at me yelling and won’t let me comment on what she is saying so I sit and listen. Can’t keep letting things that is doing go. HELP!

    Reply
  4. Osei Mullen

    Wow, this was of big help to myself. This article hit me right on the money as of what I am going through right now. I was recently engaged until my fiance decided she did not want to be engaged any longer, and she wants to go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend because of the way we communicate. She said I started unnecessary arguments and I yelled at her all the time, especially in public. She strongly dislikes that about me and almost caused us to break up. Ever since then I have been doing well to not yell or argue with her anymore, because I love her and want to be with her. But as soon as I read this article and realized and understanding what I am going through now, I thought maybe the physic felt what I and many others were going through. I love it and this has been of great help to me. Thank you so much, and I really appreciate it.

    Reply
  5. Amy

    Hi Carmen
    ur article’s are allways grate and thi’s one is very helpfull to me b/c i had a problem at worke withe my manager a week a go and i was confused about wat happend on that day withe my manager untill i read ur article 2day; very … very.. help full!!!!
    THANK U Carmen!!!!!!
    God bless!!!.

    Reply
  6. Lyn C. Quiniola

    I do believed that yelling at one another cannot solve a problem. It could only worsen the situation and could not arrive to a solution and better understanding. I came from a family where my mother talks too much while my father only listens and keeps quiet most of the time. Up to now, at my age of 53, nothing has changed. That’s why all of us were all behind our father because we knew that he has been so patient with our mother. That’s the very reason why I don’t want to be like my mother although I understand her in many ways. If there are arguments or problems in the house, I would tell my husband what was wrong. If I’m angry, I would tell why and then I would just keep quiet so that my husband will realized his mistakes. I knew we will not be solving the problem by yelling at each other. It will only lead to troubles, and the worst, hitting and hurting one another. I don’t want my children to hear all the arguments and the yelling of both parents because its not a good example of showing how to solve problems.

    Reply
  7. Lucy M.

    When I was younger my temper was so out of control. When I think about it now I hate the person whom I used to be. I came to realize how destructive my temper was as I was raising my children as a single mom. It took several years but I learned to channel my anger through other, more constructive venues such as music, dancing and writing. Now I have more patience and tolerance of the people and circumstances of my life. My temper didn’t actually leave, but there is a line. It takes much to make me angry and I am very slow to anger, but please don’t cross that line.

    Reply
  8. Jomana

    I think forgiving & forgetting is better than fighting , yelling oe even a wise argument … sometimes , scilence is the key for a better life quality …

    Reply
  9. Desparete

    I am a 50 yr old Female with a past of severe abuse in all forms (phys.ment.etc) I am bipolar, add,ocd and a few others. I have found myself in a situation that in my heart and in my brain I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO AND SHOULD HAVE DONE 5 YRS AGO. Now it is to the point where this friend, and ONLY A FRIEND NOT ONE OF THESE FRIEND WITH BENEFITS SITUATIONS, BUT anyway I feel helpless, hopeless, and am afraid. I live with this male who is 12 yrs older and have been for 3yrs now but have known him for 11. From day 1 I was down right blunt almost rude about how I did not & never would I venture into anything with him. He says he knows but does things to protray to others that there is something going on between us – he now says we are “life partners” to others. I TELL HIM WE ARE NOT PARTNERS, WE ARE ROOMATES – WE JUST SIMPLY SHARE LIVING EXPENSES. I find myself getting so upset with his games and mostly HIS LIES!! He changed my mailing address to his postal box WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE and I literally popped. If I were to indulge to you everything this perverted pig has done to me, stolen from me, you would tell me if you are that dam stupid to still live under the same roof after all that this sick individual has done I must be sicker than he. I feel such discust about myself, have no self respect, and am more than just depressed. He has me basically controlled to my every existence and since I cannot drive because of my Epileptic Seizure he has to be form of transportation to everything, incl my Dr appts. He has successfully rescheduled appts – put his 2 cents in with MY DR REGARDING ME, ETC. DEMANDS TO BE IN THE ROOM OR BASICALLY I WOULD NOT MAKE THE APPOINT WHICH IS NEARLY A 2 HR DRIVE. I have not been in a relationship for nearly 5yrs and have been Celibent with a Catholic practicing religion. I am on soc. sec disability and have been for 10 yrs. He is fully aware of the terrible acts that have left me sad, alone with no hope of ever being in a relationship again. To never ne held, kissed or have companionship – my dog “Johnny” is my life. I have had him since he was 7wks old. He is now 5yr old and his Father is a K9 Cop for the Crandon, WI Police force. The reason I am stuck in this god awful mess and have no where to turn or turn to is money. I can only imagine anyone who is reading this right now is thinking/saying “bull*&^!” There are shelter homes, other friends or family members – I can honestly swear on the lord’s name I have no other friends, seriously, I was pretty much a loner throughout school to furthering schooling at the Fox Valley Tech where I met a couple of fellow students but never engaged in building a friendship to hang and do things with. I was most likely bipolar being depressed most of the time. I grew up with Labrador puppies and spent all my spare time with the pups – just like now my best friends were the puppies – there always seemed to be a litter of 6 to 10 pups – my Father was a Breeder of Labradors, Yellow, Black & Chocolate. Before Johnny I had a Beautiful Chocolate Lab named Grunt. His ashes are in an old antique lantern in my living room. We did everything together – camping, hiking, fishing – or just hanging out watching a movie & snacking! It was one of the saddest days of my life when I had to put him down. The Vet administered a shot and I held him as he slowly slipped away and leaving one HUGE paw print on my heart. It has been 7 yrs and I still miss him, imagine I always will – his name was Grunt. I think because of the abuse I sustained, beaten, bruised, broken tailbone, cheekbone, raped and sodomized is why my life has turned out the way it has – let me rephrase, I dont think, I know. Aftering working in the nursing field from a CNA to a LPN for 12 yrs on a Locked Psychiatrict Unit and then ending up on approx. 5 different psych units along with 12 electric shock treatments to the brain to alleviate the constant reoccurring nightmares and to be in the situation I am in with someone who has decieved me to the extent where I am in mental turmoil, constant pain, unable to carry out the smallest daily chore, regressed back to a point I never thought I would be at again in my life, the betrayal, mind games, brain washing, all the terrible things that this so called friend knew just how fragile I am and the importance of being honest has put me mentally a brain that is mush. He knows and knew when we venture into this cohabitating situation the importance of being honest, he has sabatoshed what I thought was a living arrangement until I passed. He is obsessed – he has done something that in my heart and mind I think & feel is worse than the others simply because he has been messing with me in the most sickest ways. I have a lock on my bedrm door, I will hold going potty during the night just to avoid him getting up to talk to me, I can no longeg go to the basement to tan because of the photos I found that he took of me while privatly tanning. I dont know what help is available. I have no money in the bank to move, I have a house full of beautiful prints, antiques – I have completly furnished the entire house to make a home which was to be until the end. PLEASE DONT OR TRY NOT TO JUDGE ME AS IF I AM JUST A REAL STUPID WACK JOB. I AM EMBARRASED BEYOND BELIEF, SCARED, AFRAID AND JOHNNY & I NEED SOMEONE WITH A GREAT DEAL OF COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING WITH MAYBE THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT DO I DO. I APPRECIATE ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS. GOD BLESS ALL,

    Reply
  10. vicky

    Hi Carmen

    I found your article so reassuring knowing what I felt long ago that raised voices is violence. Some people are violent while they retain that they are calm. It is so very
    wrong to give double messages and create confusion when they want to communicate. thank you for your clarity and wisdom.

    May God bless you always.
    Vicky

    Reply
  11. Charmaine McDonald

    This is a very great article. Yes, sometimes I yell at the criminals, because they take my soft words and kindness for weakness. So, when enough is enough, I yell and that always seems to work. They run away and never come back. So, therefore there is always good and bad points about yelling. I would say that each individual yell for different reasons. We just dish out our opinions , under various types of circumstances. Thanks again for this article. Blessed be. Charmaine McDonald

    Reply
  12. Barb H

    GREAT article, Carmen!! Everything you wrote is SO true, i am a very peaceful person, hate arguments, and when a man starts yelling at me like the one in the picture, i am gone; i walk away and say, “i am going for a walk, i will come back later when you are more rational and calm.” The only thing i would change would be the picture accompanying your article . . . that woman SHOULD be giving that screaming guy the finger as well as ignoring him!! LOL

    Reply
  13. Frances Faye Adams

    You are so right. When a person yells at me, it is hard to really hear them, because I have already by that time become defensive. It is hard to think straight when you are on the defensive, or it is for me to think straight. I then “shut down” if someone is yelling at me. Thank goodness this does not happen very often. Years ago, my father used to yell at my mother, and it came across to me as a “bullying tactic”. Very good article, thank you.

    Reply
  14. Jomana

    so , if you are married to someone who only yelling with acuses when it comes for a serious discusion … e.g ( if u catch another woman clothes at ur bedroom ) … you find yourself neither no discussion to clarify issues reasonably nor you can just move on with your life ( what if this happens again ?)

    Reply
  15. Psychic Giovanna x5214

    Carmen,
    I love your articles – full of grounded advice (reminders) and real-life tools to make positive changes. Keep em’ coming! =)

    Infinite Blessings~
    Giovanna

    Reply
  16. Steev

    Like Carmen i was raised in a yelling family – glad to find out i wasn’t alone, lol – but because of it i’ve always had to make a conscious effort to not yell and i’m usually pretty good at it ( sometimes, i slip up and get myself sucked into it ). when arguing with my wife often times i have to tell her to lower her voice to a that of a rational civilized person or her tension and anger will carry over to me and our discussion will heat up to the point of being counterproductive quickly followed by destructive ( we both have a temper and losing control resolves nothing ).

    Reply
  17. Trudy Kretschmer

    This is a great article! “Looking at your part in it” is very sage advice. Staying on “our own side of the street” is good too. It is all about treating people with respect. Often, those closest to us receive the worst in us! But our closest family members and loved ones should be treated with courtesy as much as, if not more so, than anybody else. Yelling at someone is NOT respectful or courteous! Thanks for the tips on regaining self control. I am forwarding this article to my hot headed daughter!

    BTW, my birthday is Sept. 2nd also!

    Thank you!

    Reply
  18. Ted Phan

    Hi wonderful Rosy:
    I admind your positive attitudes expressed in above articles.
    Many many thanks for such articles.
    God bless you always.
    TP

    Reply
  19. Margarite

    Great Idea!!!! I agree – you don’t have to agree with the person you are having a disagreement with….but when you listen – it also allows you to COOL off…

    Reply
  20. karmann

    This is definitely something I have a problem with I’m naturally loud anyway but what happens mostly with my boyfriend cause he doesn’t like to talk and walks away from confrontation and it doesn’t have to be negative he just doesn’t want to talk about feelings so anyway what happens is I let things go and build up inside of me that eat me up amd I just lose control I can only go for so long holding thi gs in and then I lose it. I’m really trying to see things his way but I need the same respect from him

    Reply
  21. Cheryl H

    sometimes its easier said then done. especially when there are two people in the house that is very loud. Its a losing battle.

    Reply
  22. K.

    hmmm… i like your article and all the points you’ve made because I subscribe to all of them. I have a soft voice and I’m quiet and respectful BUT I find that people don’t listen to me, they interrupt me while I’m talking and sometimes, if I carry on speaking even though they have interrupted me, I get to talk where earlier I was the silent one who never got a word in edgeways.

    Reply
  23. martha

    i was brought up with a lot of chaos in my family. i learned some bad behavior and i am in the process of taking the advice in this column. it is hard to be always on the edge. you hit the spot for me in this article. all your articles are very helpful, but this arrived at the best time possible. thank you so much, miss martha

    Reply
  24. Samantha Harper

    I am a very soft person, I dont raise my voice very often, and I dont like it when other people raise their voice at me. I may be deaf in one ear, but I am most definately not dumb. I went deaf in my right ear 10 years ago, it has been hard adjusting, and people treat me like I am dumb, but I am very smart, that is why very few people know that I have a hearing problem. People raise their voice at me when they feel that I cant hear them, but it only shows how dumb they are, I can lip read if people slow down and I have learned to use my hearing aide, and I am real good with my left ear! My left ear is my life line, but think before you yell please, because when you raise your voice people think you are insane, even deaf people like me, that only use one of their ears.

    Reply
  25. Jacqueline x9472

    Hi Carmen,
    I always enjoy reading your articles they are so direct and honest, I truly believe If we can conquer our-self, hold our tongue, use self control, see our-self in others, we will live a more peaceful, joyous life.

    Too often when there are arguments flying around, its very seldom about what is being said, once we look further, detach from ego we can see where the true pain is coming from.

    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  26. misskrystalmisskrystal

    Great article, thanks, Carmen.
    I always say, if you know that you are the type of person, that can get heated, for sure do a cool off, before a discussion over things that upset you.
    I think this is where folks make the biggest mistake..Once you know this about yourself, it’s best to for sure do a time out. That can reduce so much damage.

    Also, sometimes people are just in bad moods. So if you see someone is not their normal self, snapping, jumpy etc. Silence is great, if you can do it. Not ignore, but to only answer, until you see that they are back in their regular mood. Thanks again, Miss Krystal

    Reply
  27. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Carmen,

    Another great article…..good advice ,not only for family situations but, in general, life situations such a in the work place.

    But I shouldn’t be surprised at this is a great article……because your articles are always great!

    Blessed Be )O( ( and happy b-day ! )
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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